Posted by: Cat | August 6, 2008

MVP, Episode Four: Gives a New Definition to “Blue Balls”

Y’all, I’m sorry I’ve been so slack in updating with MVP recaps. I actually didn’t realize that people liked reading them. At any rate, I’ve become determined to have as many episodes up as I can before Thursday night. I think I’m like four episodes behind, though, which is, you know, not too good. I will definitely have episode five up before Wednesday is over, though, and hopefully episode six sometime on Thursday. I’ll force myself to get through it – I have a full bottle of rum, I think I can make it.

PREVIOUSLY, ON MVP: Evelyn is a gas station attendant! Adam gave daughter Molly a key on a chain! An old lady ripped off Trevor Lemonde’s towel! Tabbi got pissed off at Trevor, and Molly gave Trevor something that may be considered a dance! Trebuchet has a painkiller addiction and a slightly pushover doctor! Coach McCall drinks a lot! Evelyn sells Adam McBride’s power drink! Tabbi shows up at Trevor’s apartment, not at all creepily! Also, Cat drank a lot!

The opening credits give me the chance to crack open a beer (it’s preemptive at this point) and light a cigarette, all while dancing to the theme song.

The lady reporter is interviewing Gabe after a game that they lost. I wonder if this is the first game of the season, which was in the last episode, or if they lost their second game, too. Not a great way to start off the season, guys. Speculation, according to the reporter, is that Gabe is too tight and not relaxed enough. Oh, I could go to DIRTY places with a line like that, but I’m just going to sit here giggling quietly instead. Turns out this interview is a way for the reporter to cleverly ask Gabe out for dinner and drinks – the camera isn’t even on. Clever lady. Gabe looks flattered and slightly annoyed. Or maybe he just has to poo.

Megan, hockey wife and Connie’s former roommate, enters the daycare, bearing gifts for Connie. I can TOTALLY relate to Connie as she opens the bag, pulls out a bottle of conditioner, and says “Ooh, hair conditioner,” only to have Megan reply that it’s some sort of hair sealant. Connie then takes out a bar of soap, and this time asks if it’s soap, but turns out that it’s a cleansing slab. Connie asks the question on all of our minds when she asks what the difference is between a cleansing slab and a bar of soap. Turns out that the difference? 37 bucks. Megan then invites Connie to the spa. Connie looks at her, confused, and asks, “Who am I again?” Megan says that Connie is her new best friend. What happened to the hockey wives? I thought they stuck together like a pack of overly made up hyenas. Connie doesn’t look as confused or frightened as I would be if I got an invitation to a spa, but she does TASTE the hair sealant. Why would you do that? I know it’s organic, but that doesn’t mean it’ll taste good. By the way, judging by Connie’s reaction, it does not, in fact, taste good. I’m not surprised.

Trevor is buttering toast or something while Tabbi hangs all over him, being that annoying girlfriend that kisses her boyfriend’s cheek while he’s trying to make breakfast. She disgustingly shoves her finger in the peanut butter jar and gets Trevor to lick it off. Ewwwwww. I might take a page out of Russian’s book and just pour myself an entire glass of vodka – straight. Tabbi gets upset when Trevor isn’t kissing her back, but it turns out that he’s just uncomfortable because Nan is sitting right behind them. Tabbi blows him a kiss instead, and it’s kind of cute.

Molly is at the bank, trying to get into her dad’s safety deposit box. The teller is nice enough to express her condolences at his death, and asks her for identification. She looks happy, but since this is a soap opera, we all know that there’s a twist coming. Sure enough, you need two keys to open the box. A Mr. George Jacobs has the other key, and therefore has to be present as well in order for anyone to get in that safety deposit box. I’m going to laugh so hard when the only thing in there is an 8-ball of cocaine. Molly unnecessarily bitches at the teller and storms out. God, what a bitch.

Trebuchet is in bed with a leggy blonde – as if any of us are shocked. Blonde’s cell phone rings, and it’s Trevor. Turns out Leggy Blonde is Trevor’s agent. They got the deal, whatever deal that is. They think that Trevor will be the next big thing. Leggy Blonde is just happy that Trevor is going to make her a ton of money. Trebuchet is jealous, because Leggy Blonde is also HIS agent. She talks about Trevor in a remarkably disturbing sexual way. Dramatic music plays as Trebuchet chokes her with…Something (I’m not kidding), and Leggy Blonde stupidly says “You almost choked me, didn’t you”. Um, duh. Anyway, they’re giving the Cartier endorsement to Lemonde instead, and Trebuchet looks pissed. This should be fun.

Tabbi is bringing…Stuff…Into Lemonde’s apartment. I really don’t know what it is. Boxes or something. Lemonde is wearing a towel around his waist. I wonder if that actor has any problem with being half-naked a lot. I hope not, otherwise he’d be out of a job. Turns out the stuff is for Nan. They have to put bars on the tub, and something about rails so she doesn’t have to use the walker. Tabbi gleefully says “Get your screwdriver”, and Trevor has a game. You know, like hockey players do.

Connie and Megan are at the spa. I can tell this may be one of my least favorite scenes. I’ll admit it, I’ve never been to a spa, but I’m uncomfortable with all the life-of-luxury, pampering stuff. Some people are into it – that’s cool and all, it’s just not really my thing. Megan asks what Connie’s usual weekend plans are, and Connie tells her that it’s basically boring and always the same, which Megan suspected. Connie says “I can never figure out why I enjoy your company so much,” which sounds like an awfully bitchy thing to say, but coming from Connie it just sounds…Honest. Megan says it’s because she’s unpredictable. Megan insists that Connie needs to loosen up. Surprisingly, I didn’t hate that scene. I think it’s because I like Connie.

MOAR LOCKER ROOM! Except no one’s in it, except Gabe, and then the Reporter Lady enters, saying something about breaking the rules as she picks up an apple. What the hell. She obviously flirts with Gabe, saying she’s forward, blah blah blah. Gabe says they can’t date because she’s a reporter and he’s a player – conflict of interest. She assumes he’s interested, which the show hasn’t really given us any indication of. I like Reporter Lady’s hair. It’s pretty.

Molly approaches Trevor at the arena. He’s avoiding her, because of Tabbi, obviously. Molly seems bitter that he never told her about his girlfriend from back home.

Evelyn is talking to her boss about that power drink, and how she never expected it to be popular. She also needs to designate some space for it in the cooler. The boss says that the coolers are designated to certain brands. You know, like they are. Evelyn wants to put it in the produce section, but that’s for local farmers. Evelyn works her way around that by only using local apples.

YAY MOAR LOCKER ROOM, with people in it. Equipment Guy walks in, saying that he’s their guy for random equipment things, which I’m sure they all know. One player cracks wise about needing his jockstrap to be about two sizes bigger. Ew. Equipment Guy hands Trevor some skates. Trebuchet is pissed because he gave Equipment Guy his skates ten minutes before Trevor even got there. Equipment Guy is all “Yeah. I’m getting to them.” You know, Mr. Medieval Weapon, maybe if you weren’t such a raging dick, people would do things for you, and quickly. Asshole. Trevor tries to be nice, but Trebuchet is all “rookies always think they’re going to change the game”.

Some suits are watching the game, making observations about how the third highest payroll in the league should buy something more than a building full of angry fans. Oh snap. Leblanc insists that it’s the coach, and his contract is good for another year, and there’s not enough money to buy him out. The Suit wants him to find another way to get him out. Leblanc spouts the whole “son is captain” thing. The Suit says he’ll take care of it if they miss the playoffs again. Oh snap, Malcolm. You betta watch yo’self.

The guys are congratulating Trevor on a goal. One guy comes in and is all “about time”. Well, no offense, dude, but if your team is losing a bunch of games, obviously you’re not all about the goal-scoring, either. Trebuchet comes in and asks if the bucket is ready. I’ve heard about this episode, and I’m all nervous-like. Trevor is led into the showers, while Trebuchet flings a bucket over a railing or something, talking about the puck bucket and how Trevor should have the balls for it, which seems like ominous foreshadowing to me. Gabe is watching, and tells Trebuchet to take it easy. Trevor tells them to bring on the Junior-A bullshit. You go, Trev, but I’m a little worried that you might get hurt or something.

Molly is calling Trevor, whose phone is, obviously, in his locker stall and not in the towel he’s wearing around his waist. They’re tying a rope to his junk, by the way, that’s attached to the bucket. Yeah, I REALLY don’t like where this is going. One guy is standing next to Trevor, tells him that the team record is 22 pucks by a guy who was named “Steve Stanley”. Now they call him Stephanie. I could make a Twilight joke, but I’m scared of the TwiMoms. Trebuchet is laughing in an ominous way. I totally don’t like this. They’re trying to aim pucks into the bucket. Trebuchet makes one in, and Trevor is grunting, according to captions. Gabe stops Trebuchet, and Trevor charges at him (Trebuchet, not Gabe). Trebuchet makes a disgusting comment about how he’s been trying to get the doctor to cradle his balls for weeks. God, you’re a vile human being. I now have nightmare scenarios of rookie hazing in my mind, and find myself feeling very, very sorry for Mark Fistric, Nicklas Grossman, and little Matt Niskanen. At least none of our guys seem to be assholes like Trebuchet. Ugh. I hope he dies in a fire.

Molly keeps trying to call Trevor, who is obviously not answering his phone due to his testicles being in pain. She’s frustrated. Whatever, bitch.

Leblanc enters the locker room, and asks if Trevor’s okay. The coach says, “Well, he just almost had his balls ripped off, how would you be?” Leblanc decides to put the blame on the coach, asking where HE was. Gabe defends the coach, saying it’s a team thing and they’ll handle it. Leblanc threatens the coach. Good job, dude.

Tabbi is waiting outside the locker room for Trevor. She says that he should press charges, that they can’t just do stuff like that to him, and she’s got a point. I hope his balls weren’t actually ripped off, that would be really shitty.

Trebuchet is looking broody in the locker room. The doctor walks by and glares at him. I would, too. Except with more punching.

Gabe and the coach are leaving, and Gabe insists on driving because his father has been drinking. Dude, how is it not totally obvious to everyone else that the coach is drunk? He’s all slurring his words and shit. DUH. Gabe busts out his awesome acting skills by getting angry at his father. It’s kind of laughable acting, really. Turns out Reporter Lady is filming all of it. AWESOME.

Leggy Blonde enters Trebuchet’s room and tosses some keys to him while he’s sleeping. She came to tell him that he needs to find representation elsewhere, due to his idiotic hazing of Trevor. Their contract is over. Good job, Trebuchet, go ahead and screw up everything. Ass.

Gabe gets in his shiny silver car and puts the top down. Turns out his dad was sleeping in the car. Nice. Class act, Coach. He very obviously states that it’s not good if it gets around that he’s started to drink again.

Molly is entering her shady apartment building, and trips and drops a bunch of apples on the ground. Her adorkable neighbor comes out to help her pick up the apples, and by “help” I mean “she lets him pick all of them up”. She’s still remarkably bitchy to him, considering that he’s so eager to please her.

Trevor is limping around his fancy loft, looking for Tabbi. He knocks over one of Nan’s railings, and gets upset with Tabbi because it’s not a hospital. Trevor is all “I thought you were going to put her in a home”, and Tabbi gets upset because Nan is her family, damn it, blah blah blah. Dude, in the pilot Tabbi was all eager to get Nan in a home. I like this, because it’s this show’s version of character development. I mean, it’s not great or anything, but better than expected. Sort of. Tabbi takes a stand and says that if Nan’s not welcome, neither is she.

Trebuchet is in a shiny, shiny elevator, and is greeted by someone as the bell dings. IT’S PSYCHO MANDY OMG RUN AWAY. She pulls the diva hand as she says that beneath the handsome exterior, he’s lonely.

We’re back at the gas station, where some suit is drinking Evelyn’s power drink thingie. Evelyn and her boss are totally clueless as to what a distributor is (come on, people, anyone with half a brain can figure that out). Suit says he’ll be in touch. The boss is remarkably kind to Evelyn, who has obviously changed since her husband’s death. He tells her that she’s a remarkably strong woman, etc. Okay, here’s my own personal aside. I really like Evelyn now. Her character has developed into someone who has done what she’s needed to do to stay afloat. She’s not complaining, she’s just getting her shit done. She is, by far, the most developed character on this show, which is sad considering how little screen time she’s getting.

Oh my goodness, it’s the Mustang Royalty Lady again, with the dog!! Leblanc is talking about how they need to expand their brand, he was thinking breakfast cereal. Mustang Puffs? Cocoa Mustangs? Mustangios? Oh, I’ve got it! Fruity Mustangs! Leblanc wants a marketing strategy that will reach the whole family. He leaves the room, after being summoned by the suit who talked to Evelyn. After he enters, the dog growls, very non-threateningly considering it’s like, a Papillon or long-haired chihuahua or something else small and annoying (author’s note: I love Papillons and if someone wants to get me one, I’d love them forever).

Connie is running over her shopping list with one of her bitchy sisters. It’s typed up and everything. Wow, she is…Really boring, but totally adorable, so it’s okay. Bitchy Sister asks if they’ve thought of any “U” foods. I can’t think of anything besides, like…”Unsalted” or “unsweetened” or “unleavened”. A Google search also tells me about Ugli fruit, which actually sounds pretty good (it’s a grapefruit/tangerine hybrid). Anyway, back to the show, where Connie is seeing “ZZZZZZ” appear on her paper, along with a sort of snoring sound. This show is incredible. Apparently they’re out of vermicelli. Hey, that reminds me, I’m out of vermicelli too, thanks for reminding me. Now I can put it on my typed-up alphabetized shopping list. Does anyone here actually alphabetize their shopping list? I always put mine by section – produce, frozen, meat, etc. It just seems more logical to me.

Connie dresses up (and looks adorable, despite the questionable bow on the front of her shirt), and Bitchy Sister (Diane) asks if she’s picking up the Chinese. Turns out it’s being delivered, and Diane is slightly offended when Connie says she’s going out. Diane also thinks Scarlett O’Hara is a bitch. When Connie walks out the door, not only does she NOT shut it behind her, but a HEAVENLY LIGHT GLOWS DOWN UPON HER. I’M NOT KIDDING. To steal and modify a quote from a friend about the “Twilight” series, MVP means never having to say you’re kidding.

Molly is annoyed while blending the power drink. Apparently she also breaks the blender. God, how stupid are you to break a blender? It’s not like they’re complicated. There’s a knock on the door after she tosses a bottle of Adam McBride Power Drink aside. It’s her adorkable neighbor whose name I’ve forgotten. Anyway, she apparently invites him in, because the next thing I know, she’s bitching about how everyone else has moved on but she hasn’t. Well, try, you stupid bitch! Sure, we all feel like our lives have stopped, or that everything bad happens only to us. Just shut up, get past it, and move on yourself. I should take my own advice sometimes.

Gabe knocks on a door – turns out it’s Reporter Lady, who has apparently been waiting her whole life for him. Ew.

Connie knocks on the door of an annoying hockey wife. She annoyingly says “Quelle surprise”. SHUT UP. Connie says that Megan invited her to HER place, but it turns out that the place is Annoying Hockey Wife’s place. Shoes must be taken off. Connie is nervous and convinces herself it’ll be fun.

Reporter Lady gives Gabe a beer. I’m sorry, but I really don’t think her character has a name yet. Gabe says he needs to relax, and wants to talk to Reporter Lady about what she saw, with his dad and all. Gabe asks her not to show it. Reporter Lady wisely points out that it’s a conflict of interest regardless of whether she’s looking for something from him, or he’s looking for something from her. She says she’s a sports reporter – she doesn’t do exposes. Gabe then calls her sexy. Reporter Lady foreshadows that nothing kills a sports reporter’s credibility faster than sleeping with players. Could it be that perhaps she will kill her credibility by sleeping with Gabe, and THEN release the tape? I would never presume to think that I’m smarter than this show, of course.

Megan is glad Connie came, as they lounge about on fancy sofas. Someone is dealing cards, and Megan hopes that Connie remembers this drinking game. Turns out that Connie is rusty on drinking, as well as the game. How can one be rusty when it comes to drinking while involved in any part of this show? I have a martini next to me right now! Connie daintily sips at the shot that she was given. Come ON, girl, buck up. Sometimes I’m a dainty shot-sipper, too, but surrounded by those women, you should want to drink a LOT, Connie. They all take a shot, and Connie makes shot-face. You know, the one where you shake your head and go “bleeeeeeeagh” after you drink it. I don’t know why we all do that.

Evelyn comes home, surprised to find a whole bunch of Adam McBride Power Drink bottles filled up. Molly is reading something at the kitchen table. Turns out Evelyn’s not surprised to see the full bottles, but she’s surprised to see that they don’t have labels anymore. Molly ripped them off. God, you little bitch. I could strangle her. Molly says that Evelyn’s using him just to make a buck. I really doubt that. The money helps, certainly.

Connie is drunk. Francis is pregnant. Connie falls off the couch. They all share amusing drunk stories. At one of those team parties, Megan and Gabe were the only ones still standing. Is it too much for me to read into that statement? Eh, whatever, I don’t feel like using the brain power.

Gabe and Reporter Lady are making out. Reporter Lady says that her lucky gym pants won him over, or something. Whatever. Reporter Lady asks what he’s looking for. Gabe hilariously (and I’m not kidding, it really is funny) replies, “Clasp to your bra strap.” That’s always what men have to look for. Reporter Lady means what he’s looking for in a woman. Gabe says he likes a sense of humor, and Reporter Lady says that that’ll do for now. Then they get it on.

“Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” plays as the hockey wives and Connie all dance around (or, in Connie’s case, sit drunkenly on the couch). Oh, but then Connie gets up and starts doing the Funky Chicken or something. This scene makes me smile, because I want to have a slumber party now. Connie looks sick, and then decides to go home. I hope you didn’t drive, young lady. She puts on a stiletto boot, and asks herself how anyone’s supposed to walk in those. It’s not that hard. Grace (Hockey Wife’s Daughter) says they’re her mommy’s. Connie says that Grace should be in bed. Grace replies that her mother told her to go over and say hi, and that Connie is really drunk. I love it. Grace then points out that Connie has two different shoes on. Then she laughs as Connie stumbles around looking for the right shoes.

Gabe is leaving Reporter Lady’s apartment. You go, make that Walk of Shame, homie.

Trebuchet is at the Blue Line. A couple of his teammates are there, and glare at him, probably because of that ridiculous rookie hazing thing. UGGGGGHHH vomit.

Megan is walking with Connie. I’ve been on both sides of this before. Megan says that perhaps she’ll be a hockey wife one day – she reads the papers, and Gabe recommended that they bring the kids to her daycare. Megan is gleeful when she sees that Connie is still into him. Connie drunkenly waves her finger around saying that it’s over as she gets into a cab. Megan screeches that she’ll be married by the end of the season as the cab drives away.

Leblanc enters Evelyn’s convenience store as she’s stocking the shelves with what appears to be Adam McBride Power Drink. Leblanc hands her an envelope as he says that the visit is strictly business. It’s a cease and desist letter! What an ASSHOLE!

Trebuchet is lying in bed, and hallucinating about his dead wife some more. I ALMOST feel bad for Trebuchet as he holds his dead wife’s imaginary hand, and then she tells him that he’s completely alone as she disappears. Hahaha.

Trevor is screwing in a railing for Nan, and Tabbi notices and they totally do it in the middle of the hallway. Are we sure his balls have fully recovered?

Psycho Bitch Mandy is walking down a dark alley, alone. Someone walks up behind her and grabs her, and it’s TOTALLY Trebuchet, as if we didn’t see that coming. They then make out. And possibly have sex. In the middle of the alley. Keep it classy!

Connie drunkenly collapses on her sleeping sister, who was watching TV before she, you know, fell asleep. They’re playing Gabe’s interview, and he looks into the camera. Connie gazes at him wistfully, not knowing that Gabe is totally sitting in his pimp car outside her house.

Tune in next week (or rather, later today) as more sex is had, more drinks are served, and besides, you wouldn’t want to miss hearing about what Psycho Bitch Mandy has to do, right?

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Responses

  1. Cat, really needed this laugh! I love watching that show even though it is SO bad. I think my hockey withdrawl has hit a new high.

    Keep going with your take on the show. I’m now reading your excepts to co-workers!

    Hopefully, our rookies don’t get treated like that. Do you think they did that to Sidney Crosby? I don’t think so!!

  2. Patti – Just think, hockey season isn’t that far away! Plus, we’ve got the Olympics starting Friday to fulfill at least some of our needs, like the need for hot athletic mostly-naked men.

  3. I’m with you there!!! Hurry up Opening Ceremonies!


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