I accidentally deleted the first episode from my DVR, so I missed out. Jen and Caitlin came over on the Fourth of July, and Jen and I watched the second episode of MVP. Jen managed to get through the first episode, so she filled me in on the important bits that I missed – basically, Gabe left a bracelet for Connie and managed to ask her to go to a club, which she did, only to see him getting lapdances or something. That slutty waitress from the opening slept with Trebuchet and discovered the tape and walked away with it. I really think that’s it. If you’re really curious, you can read the SOAPnet.com recap (which is surprisingly snarky) here, and then come back here to Untypical Girls for your full, foul, snarkalicious coverage of episode two!
Let me begin by saying that Jen and I watched the whole episode together before I wrote this recap. I started out taking notes on things I wanted to mention, but then had to give up because my laughter kept making my handwriting shaky. At one point, I actually had to pause the show because I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe.
The episode begins with the traditional “previously on”, and they, to my delight, show Adam McBride falling from the balcony. I could seriously watch it all day, and may go on YouTube later to see if I can find it – right now, YouTube isn’t playing any videos for me, they play the first two seconds and stop, which makes me really sad, considering I found a video where it says, and I quote: “MVP is the new original soap opera on Soap Net at some ungodly hour for hockey at 11pm. It follows a Canadian NHL team called the Mustangs. They have better luck than the Maple Leafs since they won the cup 5 years ago.” I’m assuming this means that the Mustangs won the Cup, because the Leafs haven’t won since 1967. I don’t remember it ever being mentioned that the Mustangs have won the Cup, but maybe that comes later.
I’m honestly leaning towards saying that the opening credits are the best part of this show. The song is mighty catchy, to be honest. I found myself singing it in the car earlier.
Trebuchet drives up to the arena in his fancy red sports car, and signs a couple of autographs for fans, which includes some scantily clad girls. I think I’ve seen those girls at Stars practice – they’re a great contrast to my jeans-and-t-shirt self. A man pushes Trebuchet, calling him a “son of a bitch” and saying that Trebuchet “hurt [his] baby”. What’s going on? Some cops come and arrest him for sexual assault. Rookie Lemonde is standing by, and looks upset, confused, some emotion is crossing his face, but not a single one of those emotions is of surprise. I feel you, Rookie.
One of Connie’s ungrateful sisters is wearing the bracelet Gabe left, which he apparently left without a note or anything, so even though Connie knows it’s for her, the sisters are debating on whether the bracelet was left for one of them. It appears as though the sisters also think it’s for her, but only harass her, asking if it’s driving her crazy. She eventually says that indeed it is, but in the way that says “yeah, I’m getting the fuck out of here” rather than “yeah, it’s driving me crazy”. Bitchy Sister #1 tells Connie to not forget the laundry. Bitch, you’ve got legs and arms, can’t you do that shit yourself? Jesus, either Connie is a major pushover, or her sisters have some life-threatening disease they haven’t told us about yet.
Connie is in the school play-yard, while Gabe stands outside by his fancy car watching her. Not romantic, Gabe – that’s STALKING. Somehow, Connie doesn’t notice the creepy young man standing by the silver sports car watching her, even when she goes to comfort a young boy sitting by the fence. With one last longing look, Gabe speeds off.
Evelyn is in a store, selling her nice clothes for cold hard cash, which her husband didn’t leave any of, just in case you were wondering. When asked when Evelyn may see some cash, the bitchy clerk bitchily bitches, “Well, they are LAST season.” Daughter Molly is standing by, being a bitch. Notice a theme here? At any rate, Molly bitchily bitches “Tick-tock” to her mother, and they hurry out of the store.
Cut to Malcolm LeBlanc’s office, where Coach McCall asks Trebuchet why he can’t just keep it in his pants. I don’t know, maybe it’s because he’s the bad boy and he’s written that way? Trebuchet calls the girl a lying bitch, which, well, she is. She looked pretty damn willing from the clip I saw in the previously. McCall points out that juries have heard that one before. Leblanc hands McCall a card for the best lawyer in town, and says that they have a full publication ban on the court. Do you really think this is going to stay a secret? Because it’s not. Leblanc also says “wagons in a circle”, which is something I’ve never heard said unless talking about the Oregon Trail. Trebuchet says “she’s totally lying”. Yeah, you said that already. Leblanc says that Trebuchet owes him bail, and if he gets hauled off, the organization owes him nothing. Way to harsh his buzz.
Ominous music plays as we cut to Rookie Lemonde sitting in the empty arena, holding a contract. I can tell because the print is tiny. A woman comes up and tells a story about Bobby Fraser, who blew his knee in the playoffs, but it didn’t matter because he had an endorsement deal with a tire company. She keeps talking about all the possibilities and how Lemonde will make real money with this endorsement deal. She calls him “baby”, which squicks me out for some reason. She turns to let him use her back as a table to sign the contract, which, by the way, is signed in red ink. Do you see the symbolism here, people?! DO YOU SEE IT?! Because it’s not being SHOVED DOWN OUR THROATS or anything. After he signs, the lady says “Now I’ve got you”, which is in no way creepy or anything. Lemonde gives her an uneasy smile.
Cut to a real estate agent, or somebody, showing Lemonde around a nice loft, telling him about how when she signed Mark (whoever that is), he decked his first loft out in leather. That is disgusting, and totally would not fly with me. I had a leather couch once. One word: uncomfortable. Couches should be plushy and comfortable, not something your legs stick to when you’re wearing shorts. At any rate, the woman asks Lemonde what his dream place would be like, what he wants in his loft. He lists off a couple of arcade games, plus beer. The woman suggests a plasma TV. Raoul, the designer, says he’ll do his best. Enter Evelyn and Molly, much to real estate lady’s chagrin. She is not dazzled. Evelyn is chagrined that Lemonde is the one who’s buying the place, which she apparently owned. Lemonde offers his sympathies about Evelyn’s husband, while Molly smiles at Lemonde. She heads to where she practiced her ballet in the previous episode, while the key sparkles with some more cheesy CGI. Molly gets the key and goes back out to the main room, saying she didn’t forget anything. The key falls to the floor from Molly’s hiding place (between her breasts), and Lemonde kindly picks it up and hands it to her, all without her mother or real estate lady noticing. Evelyn is so not dazzled by her daughter’s newfound fondness for Trevor Lemonde.
Trebuchet is back in his bedroom, with his very pretty bed that’s probably covered in the same diseases that Sean Avery is covered with. A woman’s voice says “Hard day, Pooh Bear?” Oh, did I forget to mention that Trebuchet hallucinates about his wife and kid? Cause he does. They didn’t show that on the previously, but I remember watching it in the first episode, after I stopped recapping because I had too much alcohol to really think clearly. By the way, I’m drinking a FUZE fruity beverage right now, because I’ve decided I should probably save my liver for the regular season at this point. Hallucination!Wife says, “Daddy’s in a lot of trouble”. Well, I’d say so, particularly if you include his hallucinations. Jen and I wondered what happened to the wife and kid, since it was never mentioned. I say he left them, and his guilty conscience is what makes him hallucinate. Jen says they’re dead. Neither of us know what’s going on.
Commercial break! I look at pictures from Casino Night to soothe my soul. Matt Niskanen has fabulous eyelashes. Mittens is heartwarmingly Vulcan-y. Brenden’s the only one to tie a formal knot with his tie. I need to watch the Casino Night video where Brenden and Mike Ribeiro are so drunk it’s hysterical. I can’t wait for Casino Night next year, I’m already saving up. I mean, there’s so much to buy – the ticket, dress, shoes, accessories, not to mention going to get my hair and makeup done. Let’s face it, I get dressed up about as often as Bigfoot leaves his cave, so if I’m going to do it, I’m going all out.
Trebuchet is in Leblanc’s office, speaking to a female lawyer. She asks if he had sex with her, and he says yes, but a million other guys have, too. Leblanc asks if her sexual history will make a difference, the lawyer says it’s not admissable. He then asks if they can cut her a check. Dude, what a dick. I mean, I know the girl is lying, but for real, what a dick. Trebuchet brings up the tape, and the lawyer naively asks “doing what”. What do you THINK? Trebuchet says that videotaping the girls he sleeps with is a “bit of a hobby”. The lawyer asks how many there are, and Trebuchet says 300 or 350, they’re only for his own use. The lawyer calls him a raving misogynist, and Trebuchet is too stupid to know what that means. The following dialogue had me and Jen in fits of laughter:
Lawyer: A woman-hater, Mr. Trebuchet.
Trebuchet: Oh, no no no, come on. I don’t hate women. I mean, I screw ’em, don’t I?
Jen and I would like to work those last two sentences into every conversation, replacing “women” with “men”. We don’t hate men. We screw ’em, don’t we? Awesome. The lawyer’s reply is pretty awesome, at least by this show’s standards: “Yes, Mr. Trebuchet. You do. And sometimes, they screw you back.”
In the locker room, the guys are in practice jerseys, at least I’m assuming, since they all have jerseys on in all shades of the rainbow. Coach McCall gives a speech about giving 100 percent. Dave Tippett expects 195%, good sir, and his team gives it. You have low expectations. Trebuchet walks in late, and when Gabe tries to tell him to shape up, Trebuchet snarks about missing Gabe’s pep talk. Dude, the captain’s JOB is to give pep talks. Just sit down, shut up, and listen to it. When Coach McCall (Gabe’s father, in case you forgot), tells Gabe that he can’t take that kind of talk from him, Gabe is sympathetic: “he’s not thinking straight right now”. There’s a gay joke there, but I won’t make it. Rookie Lemonde watches sadly.
I’m assuming it’s the next day, or maybe after the game, or…Man, I’m thinking too much. Rookie Lemonde is in his new loft, and Molly enters. Dude, can anyone get in there? If that team is as popular as they’re supposed to be, that’s probably not a good idea. Can you imagine what people would do if they had free access to, like, Sidney Crosby? I don’t even want to think about how many 17-year-old girls he’d be fighting off. Molly plays with the key, hung on a chain around her neck, as she thanks him for the other day. He picked up something you dropped, Molly, it’s not like he saved your life. Lemonde asks about the key, and Molly just kisses him on the cheek and walks away. I find myself wondering why there’s a horse statue in Lemonde’s loft.
Lemonde is lying in bed, talking on the phone with his girlfriend from back home, Tabbi. She says that as soon as she gets things settled back at home, she’ll join him, because he can keep her in the lifestyle to which she can become accustomed. That’s awfully gold-digger-y of you, Tabbi. Lemonde either doesn’t notice, or chooses not to notice, and says that she ought to see his new place. She squeals when she finds out there’s a hot tub.
Cut to Connie at the coffee shop. She’s there to meet an awkward man in a blue sweatervest. He’s ordered her an incredibly complicated cappuccino, and she wonders how he remembered. He says he pays attention. I say that you might be a stalker like Gabe. That’s stuff stalkers know. She asks about the semester…Who is this dude, anyway? They then quote poetry, and I really don’t like poetry. I mean, I don’t hate it, but it’s not my favorite thing ever. Connie sees an old couple and watches them be sweet. The guy is worried that it was too forward of him to call her out of the blue. Apparently he was her college professor, that’s what it sounds like. His name is Dennis, in case we care about this secondary character that will probably never appear again. He insists that it’s not a date, and things are awkward. I hate this scene. Too many awkward memories myself. Please end it.
Molly and Evelyn are in a seedy-looking apartment building, where the superintendent is telling them that it’s 900 a month, plus utilities and parking. When they get to the apartment, I marvel at the idea that THAT shithole is worth 900 a month. The super asks if she used to be Evelyn McBride. Technically, she’s still Evelyn McBride, moron. She says they’ll take it, much to Molly’s protests. Where the hell else are you going to live? And by the way, how are you going to afford 900 a month when neither of you have jobs or any money?
Trebuchet is outside Mandy’s apartment. Mandy’s the girl accusing him of rape, in case you forgot like I almost did. Mandy’s putting stuff in her car, wearing a short skirt and saying that he shouldn’t be there. Trebuchet says that he gave her exactly what she was begging for, and I find myself agreeing with him, which makes me a little bit sick to my stomach. Mandy then turns into a raving psychobitch: “Not like you ever NOTICED me or anything!” I’d say he noticed you if he boned you.
Trebuchet: Everyone knows you’re lying! Everyone!
Mandy: Yeah, maybe. But if they believe a guy like you, Damon, I may as well shoot myself.
Please do, you’d save us a lot of pain.
Connie is powerwalking. Gabe runs up next to her. See, I’m telling you, he exhibits all the qualities of a nice, gentlemanly STALKER. They have a terribly uninteresting conversation about speedwalking vs. running. Gabe says that he should take her speed skating sometime. This is so uninteresting. Connie does make a joke about how skating? Bad for her teeth. That did make me laugh a little, because…Yeah, if you’re reading this you probably get it. They walk through a bit of a wooded area, and Gabe trips and falls, hilariously, rolling on the ground about four times. Connie keeps walking and Gabe doesn’t get up. She turns around, and I can see what’s coming from space. She kneels and reaches out to touch his face, and he grabs her hand. I bet you didn’t see that, even with my nondescript description. Gabe says he’s trying to make some big changes in his life or something that guys always say to get you in the sack, and then they introduce themselves to each other, which, I believe, is the first time that’s happened. I find myself smiling a bit at the cuteness of the scene.
Is that an ICE SCULPTURE??? Whatever. We pan up from the sculpture to see that someone is standing in it, someone in a pair of very tight boxer briefs who appears to have stuffed tangerines in his crotch. For the record, this is the scene that had me in fits of laughter that wouldn’t die. I got aftershock laughter, the kind where you stop laughing for like an hour, and then remember it and laugh again. It’s Rookie Lemonde for his underwear ad! He looks exasperated as the photographer says all the things photographers do. She says something about grabbing the stick, and that makes me laugh even more. She tells him to let it all out, and I hope she doesn’t mean what I think she means. Turns out she doesn’t, she means his emotions, and not his tangerines. There’s a very short montage of Trevor screaming, and I’m freaked out. Please don’t do that again. Also, put your clothes on, I’m disturbed.
Commercial break. Thank god, I really do look forward to those. I’m only 24 minutes in to this show. I can only handle so much laughter, SoapNet! Thankfully, I already watched the episode through once, so I know what to expect. If I tried to recap this without a previous viewing, I think I’d die.
Another lawyerly scene in Leblanc’s office. Trebuchet calls Mandy a slut, and says that he “three-wayed” her a few months ago with another guy from the team. I remember taking bets with Jen on who it was. Jen said the dead guy, I said Gabe. I’ll give you a moment to process your thoughts and guess who it was, as it’ll be a little while before we find out. Leblanc wants to know who the other player was.
Cut to Evelyn in her new shitty apartment. Molly hustles to leave, being disrespectful to her mother as usual. She says she’s not staying, and Evelyn asks where she’s going to go. Direct quote from Molly: “I’d rather whore myself out than live in this rathole.” God, shut up. I’ve lived in a rathole before, and although it was unpleasant, it wasn’t the end of the fucking world. Molly says she won’t lie there like a wet rag and soak it all up. Technically, if the rag is wet, it probably won’t soak anything else up, just saying. Molly is incredibly rude when she says in a sarcastic voice that her father would be so touched that Evelyn is wearing his shirt. Evelyn calls her a little bitch (you go, girl) and asks if Molly’s going to chase after that hockey player, saying that the world doesn’t need another puckbunny, how far does Molly think that will get her, blah blah. Ah, finally, a puckbunny reference, my favorite thing ever. Molly gives the best retort ever by saying “Yeah. Look how far it got you.” I will say, they managed to give the place a touch of girlish class with those purple lace curtains.
Connie is making a heat pack for Bitchy Sister #1. Bitchy Sister #1 is lying on the couch and bitches that the heat pack needs to be lower on her back or something. God, what a cunt. Connie sneaks up to Bitchy Sister #1’s room and takes the bracelet back. The phone rings, and it’s Dennis the College Professor. He asks her out on a date, as he promised to do. She says it’s not a good time for her, and he burns himself with an iron. They hang up the phone, and Bitchy Sister #1 enters, asking what she’s doing in her room. I’d punch her and tell her to stop being a bitch.
Next up is my favorite scene ever on this show. Gabe and Connie are rollerblading through a park. She likes it. I really can’t describe this scene in any other way than being the CUTEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. I’ve never been on a date this good. I don’t think anyone has been, because it’s so cute. I can’t snark on this scene at all, it’s too cute. There’s lots of giggling and falling on Connie’s part, and Gabe helping her skate, which is exactly what one would predict. They end up sitting on a bench as the sun sets, and Gabe tells her all about the first time he ever skated, and that he wanted to be a vet, if hockey hadn’t worked out. As if it’s not entirely predictable that Gabe is the good guy. He’s dating a sweet girl who wears pink a lot (again, the symbolism), and he wanted to be a vet. Duh. He’s obviously the good guy. A kid comes up and asks for Gabe’s autograph, saying he’s been a fan “since [he] was a kid”. Connie and Gabe both giggle at that, but Gabe takes the whole thing with grace, being nice to the kid. He leans in to kiss Connie, but a whole group of fangirls come up for autographs.
Lemonde is in his furnished loft (which includes a pretty excellent jukebox and some kickin’ arcade games). If he looks out the window, he sees his underwear ad on the side of a building.
Trebuchet is snorting coke off of a picture of the wife and kid he hallucinates about. Keep it classy, Damon! Also, flashback time! Turns out Jen was right, to a T – Trebuchet was driving the car when he was wasted, got in an accident that killed his wife and kid. His wife is being far nicer to him than I would be if I was in a car with someone who was wasted. I would seriously open the door and jump out. I guess the whole kid thing keeps her there.
Evelyn is in her cockroach-infested apartment, and she picks up a paper that has a story about Trebuchet on the cover – I didn’t catch the headline, and you are sorely mistaken if you think I care enough to rewind and pause. She goes through the classifieds, probably looking for a job.
Meanwhile, her ungrateful daughter Molly is at Rookie Lemonde’s loft. She’s brought a bottle of wine, and doesn’t wait for an answer after asking “can I come in”. Tabbi is calling Lemonde, annoyed that he won’t pick up and that her Nan needs more help than she can give. Molly is dancing. She dances all over Lemonde, with the excuse that her ballet barre is gone, and she needs a barre. Lemonde hilariously holds his arms out and she dances around him. I kind of totally dig the music in this scene. All Lemonde can say is “whoa”.
Now we’re at the courthouse. Mandy is on the stand, answering questions. She’ll be 21 next week, and she’s a waitress, but she also does some modeling on the side, cause she’s trying to save money for college. The world’s smallest violin plays, just for her, the lying skank. She’s asked to tell the jury about the night in question. She spins a nice sob story about going to a bar, meeting a guy. The lawyer asks her to point at the man in question, and she hilariously (just like everything overly dramatic on this show) points at Trebuchet. Dude, this bitch is lying out of her ass. Now it’s Trebuchet’s lawyer’s turn. She asks if that night at the Blue Line (best bar name ever) is the first time Mandy had ever seen or spoken to Damon Trebuchet. Mandy says that yes, it was. Awesome Lawyer reminds her that she’s under oath and could be charged with perjury. Mandy says that she’s not like that, she doesn’t sleep around, she’s not some kind of puckbunny. Ah, puckbunny reference #2! The lawyer asks permission to approach, and both lawyers approach the bench. Trebuchet’s lawyer is GOOD. She asks to bring another witness to prove that Mandy is committing perjury. Let me just say that I’m having some major issues with this case. I don’t want to root for Trebuchet because he has a stupid name and he’s a jackass, but I absolutely cannot root for Mandy because she’s a dumb lying bitch. Show, this is not good. Shouldn’t I feel comfortable rooting for one of the parties? Cause let me tell you, I don’t.
Cut to Leblanc’s office, where Gabe is sitting looking exasperated (I feel you). I was right, it was Gabe who totally screwed Mandy with Trebuchet. Which also, ew. The lawyer talks him into being a witness. Leblanc says “It’s about the team’s future; get over yourself”. Shut up, asshole. I hate that guy.
Commercial break! The soap opera commercials really make me want to be a soap opera actor. I think I could totally be dramatic like that. All it takes is a lot of hair-tossing and head-turning, combined with “smell the fart” acting. In case you don’t know, “smell the fart” acting is the acting style where at those intense pauses at the end of sentences that are always in soap operas, you look around, or look at the camera, as if thinking, “somebody farted, and I’m going to find out who.”
Gabe is outside Connie’s place of employment, as usual. She comes outside, wearing the CUTEST red polka dot dress. Connie is adorable. Gabe says he has to cancel – he has to be at a hearing at the courthouse. Connie asks about what, and Gabe just apologizes, and acts like he’s breaking up with her. Connie is understandably confused. Gabe kisses her and walks away. Poor Connie.
Tabbi is in her front yard, smoking a cigarette and flipping through a magazine while talking to one of the neighborhood girls all about Lemonde and his new loft. The phone rings, and when Tabbi goes to answer it, the little girl picks up the magazine and stares at Lemonde’s underwear ad. Creepy!
Connie is reading to the kids. She’s reading…Oh god, seriously? “Beauty and the Beast”? WE GET IT, SHOW.
Gabe is on the witness stand, answering a variety of questions about Mandy and her skankiness. He tries to be modest and say that they “got together” and “messed around”. Somehow Gabe doesn’t notice when Connie enters the courtroom. I don’t know how that happens, because on most TV shows, the second someone enters the courtroom the person on the stand notices. Gabe is forced to be far more specific, and Connie looks saddened. Meanwhile, Mandy’s lawyer is highly upset that if it goes to trial, she’ll be facing perjury charges. Trebuchet and Gabe exchange a look, and that’s when Gabe notices Connie. He follows her out of the courtroom, past the cameras and whatnot. He tells Connie she shouldn’t have come, that it’s stupid bull from his past. He did say that he was trying to change, so Connie should have assumed that some heavy shit went down in his past. Regardless, Connie pulls back an arm and slaps him across the face. The bracelet that Gabe gave her snaps and falls off her wrist as she storms away. All this non-subtlety is killing me.
Trebuchet and the guys are in a club, celebrating by shaking a bottle of champagne and opening it. See, I’ve always just considered that a waste of champagne. If I have a bottle of champagne, I open it as carefully as possible, both so that I do not waste the alcohol inside, and so I don’t poke my eye out with the cork. Anyway, Gabe walks in, and steps up to Trebuchet. I bet you don’t know what’s going to happen, but if you guessed that Gabe punches him, you’d be right. There’s a brief exchange of glares, before Gabe walks away and Trebuchet continues to party.
Rookie Lemonde has two girls walk up to him, asking to see his tattoo. He does so. The girls compliment it, and one girl asks if he’ll sign her tattoo. I’m assuming her tattoo is on her breast, because she lifts her shirt like a cheap ho at Mardi Gras. Molly watches this, a smile on her face – clearly she’s already accustomed to the ways of the hockey world according to this show. She’s wearing…I don’t know, I’m really confused by whatever she’s wearing. There’s like, black studded leather straps crossing in front of her neck, and a white shirt or something, and my brain hurts. Molly and Lemonde exchange glances and smiles, while the girls look at her jealously.
Leblanc is drunk and at a gas station. He enters and picks up a pack of gum or something, tossing it on the counter. The clerk has her back turned, and I already know what’s going to happen, and not because I’ve already seen the episode. He tells her which car and pump he’s at, and she turns around to tell him the cost, and we all see – SURPRISE! It’s Evelyn. Evelyn glares, Leblanc tosses 100 bucks on the counter and walks away. Basically, he gave her 50 bucks. That won’t pay her rent, dude.
Trebuchet collapses into bed, drunk but still troubled. I can tell he’s troubled becasue the ghostly figure of his wife is lying next to him, stroking his face.
Seriously, guys, this show has turned from “this show is the worst thing on television” to “this show is the worst thing on television and I totally love every second of it.”