This show sucks. I’ve decided to suffer so that you don’t have to. If you make it through all of this, congratulations, because it’s absurdly long and this show is terrible and absurd. Also, this is only the first half or so, because I couldn’t make it any further. I’ll post the second half maybe tomorrow.
The opening credits are pretty awful. The song repeats “Who taught you to live like that?”, and we see shots of hockey players mixed in with shots of women putting on lingerie. WhatEVER.
A man drives up to a very nice house, only to be greeted by a valet guy who asks him to sign a hockey card. The player signs the card generously, smiling at the valet. He enters the house, and is greeted by the woman of the house, Evelyn McBride. The player is named Gabe, by the way. Evelyn is called over to a girl named Francis, who is Stewie’s new wife and has a really annoying voice and a pretty black girlfriend with amazing hair. Who the fuck is Stewie? Evelyn excuses herself to bitch at people, while her husband examines his face in the mirror, wearing a dress shirt and boxer shorts. More shots of Evelyn bitching at people, while her husband (his name is Adam McBride, by the way) snorts coke in his room.
Cut to a young couple making out. The girl has on what appears to be a dress, but I can’t be bothered enough to examine. The boy tries to excuse himself, but the girl says “Molly McBride. You work for me.” Then, we’re treated to the FANTASTIC dialogue of the show:
Molly: Take your pants off.
Boy: You take off yours.
Molly: I’m not wearing any.
What clever writers! We’re all marveling, right? The boy tries to introduce himself, but Molly doesn’t care – she’s a hockey player’s daughter, and therefore gets to make out with anyone she damn well pleases, apparently.
A fancy, loud, red sports car heads up the driveway. He looks like a sleazeball. The valet guy greets him: “Damon Trebuchet! Wow!” First of all, Trebuchet? Really? Is this supposed to be a hint or something? Maybe he’s the enforcer, which is why he’s named after a MEDIEVAL WEAPON. Secondly, the valet asks for an autograph, but Mr. Trebuchet blows him off: “Listen, just be careful with the car.” What a dick. He’s obviously the Sean Avery of the team, or something. The valet guy agrees with me.
Evelyn goes to Adam’s room, bitching about how the caterer won’t let her put it on the account. Oh, what troubles they have. Evelyn is kind enough to ask if her husband is okay. She obviously doesn’t know he’s been snorting coke. Adam reveals that the team asked him to take a pay cut to pay some player named Lemonde. Evelyn is highly offended – how else will she afford the parties, the perfect hair, the makeup, and the plastic surgery? She tells her husband that he’d better clean himself up. He agrees. My Foreshadow Sense is tingling.
A short man walks by and greets Mr. Medieval Weapon. I have no idea what that was supposed to be. Gabe (the nice player from before) greets Trebuchet with a Highly Heterosexual Hug. By the way, I forgot to mention that Trebuchet has a horrendous beard/goatee thing going on. It’s not as Bandito as Sidney Crosby’s, but it’s equally sleazy. He checks out Stewie’s new wife (how many wives has this Stewie character had? And have they all had annoying voices like this one? If so, I can understand why he runs through them), and Gabe pushes him back, saying “She’s fresh from the honeymoon.” Obviously Gabe knows that Mr. Trebuchet is a player, and is trying to prevent this from happening. I think we have a serious case of Good Player/Bad Player going on. You want to take bets on which one will get the twenty-game suspension and drink himself into oblivion first?
There’s a knock at Molly’s door. She pushes Catering Boy aside and tells him to shut the fuck up and not make a sound. She goes as far to tell him not to breathe. Apparently she’ll still make out with him if he’s dead. She quickly puts on a robe and answers the door to see her cokehead father standing there. Her father admonishes her for not being dressed, saying that her mother wants her at the party. Molly replies: “Ooh, the Queen of the Hockey Wives has spoken!” I sense some resentment there, but I could be wrong. Her father says that he wants at least one person down there that he likes. Molly is obviously a Daddy’s Girl, because she says that she’ll go if he lets her drink beer. Seriously? This kid is a teenager. I didn’t start liking beer until I was at least 20. Until then, it was all about the fruity girly drinks. I might need a beer soon, if this show goes on like this. Her father gives her a key on a chain and says “It’s insurance – just keep it safe.” While my Foreshadow Sense continues to tingle, I go to the kitchen and get a beer. I might need something stronger soon, especially considering we’re only seven minutes into this show. The key sparkles with a very cheesy CGI effect. I’m definitely going to need something stronger than beer.
A blonde waitress walks up to Gabe and asks if he’s going to the Blue Line after. Is he a defenseman, or is the Blue Line a bar? If it’s the former, why are these guys getting wasted before a game? They’re not playing in Pros vs. Prospects. If it’s the latter, why isn’t there a bar called the Blue Line where I live? The girl asks where he’s going, and Gabe replies, “Why don’t you go home and read a good book, Mandy?” Wait, I’m confused. I thought Medieval Weapon Guy was the mean one. Stop confusing me, badly written show! Mandy moves on to Mr. Medieval Weapon himself. This girl is apparently a puckbunny trying to get around to all of the guys? I don’t know.
A man speaks to the short man who greeted Trebuchet earlier, calling him Malcolm and begging for “new blood” on the team. I’d say so, if all you’ve got is Trebuchet, Gabe, and Washed Up Cokehead. He’s begging for this Lemonde that Adam mentioned earlier. Adam walks out to the balcony overlooking the foyer where the two men are talking. Malcolm greets him and walks away – well, that’s rather rude. The other man (who has a terrible mustache – Dave Tippett he is not) walks past Gabe, saying “Every time I see you, you’re shoving food in your mouth.” Well, that’s not nice, he’s not Brett Hull sized or anything. Gabe says “Nice to see you, too, Coach” as he walks away. Ah, clarity.
Evelyn leads her daughter to a balcony opposite the one Adam is standing on. She compliments Molly, saying she looks sweet, while Molly rolls her eyes. Jeez, I used to hate my mom, and I was never that rude. What a little bitch. Evelyn starts to give a speech about how she enjoys hosting this pre-season party, blah blah blah. Molly looks at her father, who drops his glass and then falls over the balcony as she yells “DADDY!” Everyone runs down to help him (he’s lying on a rug with the team logo on it, which is a Mustang), complete with Evelyn screaming “Somebody get some help!” in a very melodramatic way – this IS on SoapNet, after all. Also, check out how accurate my Foreshadow Sense was. I’d like to point out that Caitlin and I were doubled over in laughter when McBride fell.
Fade to black, and I think we’re at a commercial so I can go take a couple of shots of Stolichnaya to get me through the other 50 minutes of this show, but I’m wrong. Molly, dressed in black, is standing next to her father’s coffin, which has his jersey draped across it. Malcolm is also there, and says “The Lord works in mysterious ways.” Coach asks how much the policy is, and Malcolm says that it’s 5.5, which is more than enough to pay the rookie Lemonde. Molly pushes her mother away when she tries to comfort her, while Evelyn pleads with her to just get through this. Molly says “I loved him way more than you, you stupid cunt.” Well, maybe she just says “I loved him”. The rest was silent. Trebuchet is checking out Molly, while Gabe says that it’ll be weird without him. When Gabe notices that he’s checking out the daughter of the man whose coffin they’re standing around, he admonishes him: “Hey. Her father’s dead.” Norman Greenbaum’s “Spirit in the Sky” starts playing, and I assume that we’re in a spacecraft, having watched Apollo 13 last night. But no, we’re in a hockey rink, and the team picks up the coffin as the curtain parts. They’re gathering to pay their last respects to Adam McBride. Okay, I really don’t think they’d actually bring the coffin to a thing like that. Surely they’d do some sort of memorial, but I REALLY DOUBT that they’d actually bring the coffin there. Who holds their funeral in a hockey rink? Although honestly, now that it’s been brought up, I kind of want my funeral at a rink. Gabe and Trebuchet fold the jersey solemnly and hand it to Evelyn, like they do at veteran’s funerals. Trebuchet checks out one of the girls who walks up to give her last respects to Adam. What kind of asshole thinks about getting laid when a close friend is dead? Mr. Medieval Weapon, that’s who.
Cut to a much cheerier scene of a bunch of people playing hockey in a driveway in Loon Lake. We focus on one guy in particular, with floppy brown hair who scores a goal easily. I’m assuming this is the much-touted Lemonde, whose mother calls him “Trevor”. Awesome, we have a first name now. All the other people say goodbye to him, and a little girl gives him flowers. That is too cute. Can this show just be about Trevor Lemonde playing hockey in the driveway in his small town home? So the family sits down to dinner while his mother rambles about how she bought him socks and long johns and all the stuff he won’t want to go buy when he’s famous. She asks what they’re going to do tonight, because everyone will want to say goodbye to the small town’s number one draft pick. Trevor says he’s going over to Tabbi’s, that he’s been saying his goodbyes all week. Daddy Lemonde senses trouble and says that he needs help with the wood chopping or something. Momma Lemonde decides to lecture Trevor on dating, saying that there are many nice ladies out there. Trevor hates how everyone in his town knows everything about each other, and that he wants his business to be his business. Good luck with that, kid, considering you’re a number one draft pick. I could probably Google how many nose hairs Steven Stamkos has. His mom has read my mind, and Trevor storms away.
What a surprise, Mr. Trebuchet nailed the girl from the funeral, and they’re asleep. He wakes up and sees a camera behind some stuffed mustangs (see what they did there?). He gently gets up, to not wake up Funeral Chick.
Cut to a press conference being held at Mustang Arena, or, more accurately, Gabe brushing his teeth while watching said press conference. The reporters ask about Captain Adam McBride and the cause of death (“heart attack at the age of 41”). They say that the new captain of the Mustangs is Gabe McCall, and a reporter asks Coach McCall how he could possibly be objective, as Gabe is his son. Ah, so we learn something new.
Sleazebag Trebuchet takes the tape out of the camera, and puts it in a case, labeling it “Funeral Chick”. He opens a cabinet and stacks it among the many, many videocasettes. What is this, Coupling? Patrick was a way better sleazebag than you, Damon. At least Patrick was funny. And British.
A limo drives down a dirt road as the song tells us there ain’t no time for love. I think Damon Trebuchet would disagree with you there. A girl is smoking a cigarette as she cooks breakfast, and Trevor Lemonde walks out shirtless. He doesn’t look that great, but I don’t like my guys to be ridiculously muscled, and this guy has a very clearly defined set of six-pack abs. The girl, who I assume is Tabbi, tells him to put a shirt on, because it “grosses Nan out”. By the way, her Nan is sitting at the table looking pretty oblivious to everything. Trevor says he doesn’t have time for breakfast, and Tabbi tells him to strap his balls on, they can wait for him. Come on, you don’t want to give a bad first impression by making them wait for you while you eat breakfast that your trailer trash girlfriend made you. Trevor says that he doesn’t like leaving her. If a guy said that to me, I’d have the same response as Tabbi: “Don’t be such a wimp.” I’m not a romantic. Tabbi says that as soon as she gets Nan into the home (typing that made me think of Jussi Jokinen), she’ll join him. Brilliant exhange:
Trevor: She can spell.
Tabbi: Yeah, but she can’t hear.
Oh, God, I need more vodka. The limo pulls up outside the house (it is actually a house, not a trailer, I apologize, Tabbi), and there’s a CGI glare on the window (what’s with the CGI shiny on this show?). The driver takes Trevor’s stuff to put in the trunk, and there are tearful goodbyes with Mr. and Mrs. Lemonde. Tabbi runs out, having wrapped up the sausages she made for Trevor. He gets in the limo and they all wave goodbye. How touching. Let’s get out of Loon Lake now.
My wish is granted, but instead I get some Sex and the City bullshit, with a pretty blonde girl wearing a cute dress and pink cardigan talking with two girls. Blonde Girl takes out a sweater that she’s going to send to Mom (the way she says it, I’m assuming the girls are her sisters), and says that she thinks she’ll like it. Curly-Haired Sister disagrees, saying that of course Pretty Blonde would like it, she dresses like a milk maid. Pretty Blonde defends her style, while Curly Sister rudely asks how long she’s going to hang on to her virginity. What a bitch. I’d punch my sister in the face if she said something like that to me, and this scene makes me so glad I’m an only child. We’re given a name to Pretty Blonde – Connie. By the way, Gabe is in this coffee shop. He hears the sisters poking fun at Connie and goes over, asking Connie how she’s been and introducing himself to her sisters. Um, what? Do you even know this girl, Mr. McCall? This question is brought on because even Connie looks surprised and says “That was weird.” The sisters also look confused.
Gabe sits in his car wearing shades and drinking coffee, while watching Connie switch her cute shoes for tennis shoes. She drops one of her wedges or espadrilles or whatever they’re called as she walks away. Gabe gets out and picks up the shoe, watching Connie walk away.
Finally, a commercial break! More vodka, and a cigarette. Aahh. Much better. Also, I hate soap operas (I used to enjoy them), but these commercials make General Hospital look more interesting than this stupid show.
Back to the torture, as a bunch of preschoolers play in a school yard. Connie works there, as Gabe walks up. The kids freak out, and Connie whirls around and says “Oh my God”. Well, yes, if a professional hockey player showed up at my place of employment, I’d probably have the same reaction, but all indicators say that you’ve met him before, Connie, so why are you so freaked? I have no idea what’s going on here. Neither do Connie’s coworkers, as Connie herds the kids inside for storytime. She ignores Gabe, and her coworkers stop her. Adorable Gay Preschool Teacher says “Okay, girl! Let’s have it!” Connie is confused, and Other Preschool Teacher goes “You KNOW Gabe McCall?” Well, obviously. Or something. I’m still really confused. So is Connie. Still. A kid walks up, handing Connie her shoe, adorably calling her “Miss Lewis”. Ah, so we have a full name. Thanks, show. Gabe walks back to his car and drives away. I hate this show.
Cut to another press conference or something, as Lemonde is drafted or whatever. A reporter asks how it feels, being drafted by a team that hasn’t made the playoffs in five years. Well, you don’t get number one draft pick by being an awesome team, Asshole Reporter. Another Asshole Reporter asks if it’s true that they used Adam McBride’s insurance policy money to pay the 5.5 million price tag for Lemonde. Awkward silence as we cut to Evelyn in an office with Malcolm (the GM, keep up), saying that Adam left nothing – “he blew it all up his nose”. Malcolm says he has no idea, and Evelyn and I agree on thinking that he’s totally lying. Adam cashed in everything, and nothing was left. In fact, his estate owes the team, or something like that. Evelyn is obviously not going to be cool with this, but she asks Malcolm for financial help. Malcolm says that he’ll see what he can do, but I’m pretty sure he’s lying. So is Evelyn.
Showers! Do we get hot hockey players shirtless? No, we just get Trevor Lemonde and his stupid pectoral tattoo of what appears to be an Indian dreamcatcher, but I might be wrong. He catches Sleazebag Trebuchet (who is fully dressed, thank God), and calls him “The Hammer”. He introduces himself, saying that Trebuchet is his favorite hockey card, and it’s wild, and he can’t wait to get on the ice. Trebuchet is stunned that they’re paying this kid five million, and walks away.
Oh good, more confusion, as Connie (wearing a surgical mask and goggles) opens her front door to see Gabe. He very obviously says “Caught you in the middle of something.” Well, let’s hope she doesn’t normally wear a surgical mask and goggles, although if you’ve been anywhere near STD Trebuchet, it might not be a bad idea. She asks what she can do for him. Oh, I bet he has plenty of things on his mind, Connie. A voice from inside asks who’s at the door, and Connie closes the door slightly, leaning out and begging Gabe to leave. Girl, what is WRONG with you? Gabe asks to be invited in, but Connie won’t relent. She does agree to go for a walk with him, saying “I walk briskly.”