LiveBlog: Stars at Anaheim 4/12/08: “What Now, Bitches?”

There’s a lot of questions for the game tonight.

Will the Ducks be as penalty ridden as the other night? Will they come out stronger than they did the last game? Will Niklas Hagman kill someone this evening? Will Stu Barnes make retarded decisions like picking fights with Chris Pronger again?

I guess we’ll find out, starting at 9:00 p.m. LiveBlog starts at 8:30.

In other news, some teams won some playoff games, but the only one I’m talking to you about is the Pens. I know everyone’s sick of the Crosby Hype Machine and the made up Crosby/Ovechkin rivalry. But once upon a time, in a land far away, there was a certain Russian who played for the Pens…

Ignore the fact that he won a Cup with the Rangers. The Rangers blow, and I’m not giving them any credit here. This may have been just an excuse to post a picture of Russian in a Pens uniform…but go Pittsburgh, that’s all I’m saying.

Oh yeah, and if you haven’t ordered your WWGRD wristband, the Pensblog‘s got ’em back up for sale.

Pre-Game

Earl Sleek at Battle of California has pointed out that the Ducks are like the Ducks of the Mighty Ducks 2, who go to the Junior World Title Class Whatever Olympics and are killed by Iceland, but rally from behind to beat those evil Icelanders. The Stars, of course, are the inevitable mean, European dudes. Now, Mr. Sleek, I hope you’re enjoying the view from Row B and we’re keeping an eye out for you on TV, but I do have to say that in The Mighty Ducks 3, Gordon Bombay’s replacement coach at the swanky prep school, the moral and righteous man who taught the Ducks some great life lessons, was a Minnesota North Star player. I don’t know what to say about that, other than – hmm.

There’s no actual pre-game tonight, because I forgot this is being aired on KDFI, so I’m watching a depressing 30 minutes of “Decision House” before the game. God, this show is so terrible and sad.

1st Period

Wow, Ralph has a total pimp suit on so he wins the tie battle, hands down.

It is taking ten years and eight days to start this game, I swear. In other news, a fake Russian won the game for the Habs tonight. Woooo!

19:49: WOW, does this feed ever blow. It looks like they’re sending through a colandar, then sending that through a cheese grater. Oh well, at least it saves me from having to see Todd Bertuzzi’s face in sharp, nice clarity.

18:16: The Stars are looking fairly solid as they hammer Giguere, but then again, the Ducks are looking stronger than they did the other night. Selanne and Boucher? Still totally hate each other.

16:26: Look, guys, there’s Brad “Second Star” May! Isn’t he just such a remarkable player?

16:03: Ott just tried to decapitate someone. Okay, Otter, enthusiasm is encouraged, but let’s keep from killing someone, please. That’s Hagman’s job, really.

15:23: So far, the game looks fairly even for both sides; no team is tilting the rink quite yet and both teams look like they’ve done their homework. Dave Tippett, however, looks like he’s sulking on the bench. “Gimme my playoff win!”

14:42: Pronger sets up on point to try and hammer in a puck past Marty, but man, does Marty ever look sharp. He’s hunkered down in the net, carefully guarding the five-hole. All I can say is that I don’t know what Marty Turco did to prepare for this series, but whatever it is, it’s working. (I put five bucks on speed, personally. Just kidding.)

13:36: Can I say how sweet it is to watch the Brothers Niedermeyer get beat on a sweet, sweet breakaway caused by a not-so-good pass stolen by Mike Ribeiro? Awesome.

Back on the bench, Ribs is like, “So, yeah. Zey were trying to steal my flava. I had to show zem what up!” You go, Ribbons. You show them. (Now, will someone please make sure he left his gun in the locker room?)

1-0 Dallas.

11:30: There goes Hagman for hooking, and he’s brought the crazy-eyes like no one’s business to the game. He pretty much hooked Selanne, pushed him down and then pushed him in the face. Hagman’s all like, “You no Finnja! I will be second most famous person in Finland now! After you gone, only Santa Claus left! AHAHAHHA!”

Ducks on the power play and here comes our own personal shout out to Patty.

10:34: Stu Barnes says, “Caitlin, I’m not that old,” and retrieves the puck from the Duck power play-ers and hustles it down towards Giguere. Then he kind of just goes, “Ummmph,” and leaves the puck. Ookay, Stu. You still did good.

BOOOOOOOOO!

10:00ish: YOU MORON, NIEDERMEYER! Nothing makes me happier than this little bit of schadenfreude, because Niedermeyer, The Sacred Saint of The Blueline, just pushed down little Robi, The Unsung Hero of Defense, in front of the net which sends Robi sprawling on the ice. Ref calls interference and the shot of Nieder in the box is so, so sweet.

9:21: Here we go on the power play, and Ralph makes me giggle some more because he informs us that Chris Pronger was on the PK for three of the Stars power play goals last game.

8:35: I’d like to take a minute to mourn the fact that both Mittens and Fishsticks are scratched this evening. Mittens, Fishsticks, yes, there are people who wish that you were playing this evening.

P.S.: The Stars power play still looks pretty sharp! Woo!

7:20: Ducks kill the first penalty. You win some, you lose some. And then Niklas Hagman comes on the ice and says, “I don’t care what you won or lost, I’m going to make you hurt”.

6:42: Man, as soon as the Ducks get a whiff of a scoring chance, the Stars run it back down to the goal. Marty wobbled a bit as the Ducks came back on the push, but he wound up with about four people sliding on their asses into the goal. Yet another game, where it looks like human ice-bowling.

5:50: Slick pad deflection by Marty and Ribbons is all gangsta-style trying to keep people out of lanes. It kind of looks like Ribbons watched one too many kung-fu movies on Saturday afternoons.

5:10: Joel Lundqvist, I salute you for being a valiant Swede who is the better Lundqvist in my book. There’s nothing like having the Swedish Mafia on your team.

Commercial Break: The Ducks aren’t taking lots of stupid penalties like they did last game, nor are they as soft looking. Turco still looks sharp though, and our fledgling defense is holding it together.

Razor informs me in Marty’s last four road playoff games, he’s got a whopping .982 save percentage. Holy Shit Marty Turco. I should just make a shirt that says, “Holy Shit, Marty Turco”.

…And have Marty Turco sign it.

4:33: Richards gets a shot on Giguere, followed up by Lundy trying to backhand it in. No dice, but that’s okay. Still heart you both.

3:07: The Ducks are back in our zone, but Ribbons just looks semi-possessed. Apparently he’s either taking speed or he’s been drinking out of Hagman’s water bottle again,.

2:31: Niskanen got hit against the boards by Moen at what I declare is an “ouchworthy” angle. You need to keep your head up, Niskanen…

1:57: I love it when Mo poke-checks people. Heh.

1:29: The farther we get along, the more and more the Ducks are getting hit-happy. It seems we can’t go ten seconds without the boards rattling ominously. Prongmonster, let’s keep them all intact this evening.

1:15ish: HAHA, that bench shot? Classic! We got an image of a scruffy, pimpish Ribeiro blowing bubbles on the bench, Hagman looking as though he’s picking out his next victim, and Robi looking just plain sweet.

:19: HSMT! (I’m abbreviating “Holy Shit Marty Turco” now.) Bertuzzi passes sweetly to Getzlaf, who nails it over to Bertuzzi and somehow in the traffic of bodies, Marty just slides over like it’s no big deal to just deny Selanne cold. Way. To. Go. Marty.

:00: 1-0, Dallas, still.

Some more goals would be nice, guys…

Myra should be happy — it’s Otter at the intermission.

INTERMISSION:

Due to an unexpected phone call, I missed Otter’s interview, but that’s okay.

Back in the locker room, a certain French-Canadian defenseman receives a phone call…

Boucher: Hello?

Russian: Where is Niskanen? Hello? Who is this?

Boucher: Oh, hey man! It’s Boo-Boo. Niskanen’s being looked after by the trainers.

Russian: This is unacceptable. Get him in here.

Boo-Boo: Sorry, man, no can do.

Russian: Damn it, man! Take notes.

Boo-Boo: What? Take it easy, Sergei.

Russian: You tell Niskanen that he is Moscow and Norstrom is Saratov, and that Marty is Kiev! Kiev! Kiev! Are you writing this down?

Boo-Boo: What in the hell are you talking about, Sergei? Man, you should really be resting.

Russian: For the love of God, tell Niskanen they cannot reach Volgograd! Unacceptable if they reach Volgograd!

Boo-Boo: Man, you’re going to work yourself into a stroke if you don’t take it easy. Come on, Sergei, just relax. We got it.

Russian: Our stronghold is in Kiev! It must be protected at all costs!

Boo-Boo: Okay, okay, we’re protecting Kiev! Now just…lay down, take a Valium, you know, play a game of chess. Do something other than freak out.

Russian: I cannot believe this. What an indignity. I cannot be playing and you tell me to lay down.

Boo-Boo: Listen, I wrote it down. I’ll tell Nisky what you said. We’ll protect whatever you just said –

Russian: KIEV!

Boo-Boo: Yeah, that, we’ll protect it. Take a sedative.

Russian: You just wait until I come back, things will be diff —

Boo-Boo: *hangs up* Putain!

Given the first, I feel optimistic for the second.

2nd Period

18:56: Some Duck took a penalty and we’re on the power play. Woo!

18:32: Fifth power play goal according to Ralph! There goes Scary Jere with his bad ass, Slayer loving self, who says, “Giguere, FEEL MY LOVE FOR BLACK METAL” and kablam. 2-0, Dallas.

18:01: Oh, here we go, delayed call on the Stars. Please, please, please don’t have all smoked crack in between periods and decide to take stupid penalties, Stars. (It was Eriksson’s penalty.)

ERIKSSON! Now Brett Hull really is going to steal all your food! Goddamnit, Eriksson.

17:09: Bertuzzi tries to scare the shit out of me by attempting to set up a nice little goal, but luckily it fails. Marty might have been able to make the save on it though. Might.

DAMN. Damn, damn, damn. Selanne scores on Turco right through the legs. I HATE THE FACT THAT YOU DIDN’T RETIRE, TEEMU. Why couldn’t you have gone back to Finland and partied with Santa Clause and HIM or something?

2-1, Dallas.

Let’s make it up, Stars, come on.

Now I have to sit here and look at grosstastic closeups of Selanne over and over and over again. Eww.

Oh, and we’re back to fixing boards again. Damnit. Can’t someone have a talk with building maintenance or something?

15:45: I am watching the Ducks hit the hell out of Jere Lehtinen and it’s not pretty. And then…we ice the puck. The last thing we need right now is for the Stars to allow the Ducks to tilt the game, so please, please, guys? Make it happen.

14:13: After a good shift from the Ducks, Lundy manages to retrieve a puck and then practically stops and looks down in shock. Come on, Lundy, you can do better than that.

12:48: Ribeiro gets a nice chance on Giguere but can’t…make it happen. Sigh.

12:20ish: Jere Lehtinen just comes up all smooth-like and pokes out a puck from a Duck. Said Duck has no idea what the good Christ just happened, so he skates on like yup, he’s got the puck. When he realizes, finally, what’s up, they’re all scrambling to try and cover Giguere. That does warm my heart. Thanks, Scaaary Jere!

11:25: Whoever has that duck horn in the stands, you’re dead to me. Seriously. May I never go to Honda Center.

11:02: I can’t tell if Nik Hagman just tried to push it in over Giguere’s pad, or if he was trying to get in close enough to Giguere to strangle him to death.

10:24: Grossman shoots it on Giguere who makes the save and this makes me really, irrationally pissed, because I want Grossman to get a damn goal already. We’re back in our zone after what seems like an interminably long time in the Ducks zone. Huh.

9:20: After watching Matty Norstrom foul up Todd Bertuzzi, I’m sorely tempted to take every bad thing I’ve ever said about that enormous Swede back. Matty, you’re back to square one with me! Thanks!

8:15: Huh. There’s Earl Sleek! Earl, you have such dark hair! That’s about all I can tell from 8,000 feet away; that and the fact that you’re wearing the infamous green shirt.

7:30ish: Ribs just got laid out by Second Star May. I guess tonight, May’s aiming for first. He sets his sights high, you know.

I took a small break to run and get a drink, and when I come back, Bertuzzi’s in the box. YES.

5:46: I wish I could say I was lying, but I’m not — when Bertuzzi showed up on the screen, my cat hissed. A scrum starts for the puck and Morrow nearly gets run over, loses his helmet and then Robi takes a shot, is denied, and then nearly gets run over after being knocked over. Jesus. Take it easy, Ducks.

Beauchemin nearly starts shit with Brenden at the bench, and Morrow goes to the box but they’re “offsetting minors” so we’re still on the power play.

3:41: Oh, FUCK. Moen scores shorthanded on Turco and I’m just…appalled at that setup, because it started with Bertuzzi coming out of the penalty box and he just got it in over/under Turco’s leg.

We follow up with Mo getting a shot on Giguere, and Hagman is getting messed with by some Duck…and, the guys really need to do better.

Hagman is talking to one of the refs and it’s pretty funny to me for some odd reason.

3:06: Oh, Boo-Boo. Kunitz gets a breakaway, Bouche follows and falls, gets up, can’t catch Kunitz and so instead falls and slides, stick out to block the shot. That’s what kind of guy Boucher is. Man, I heart you Boucher.

2:00ish: Ralph sums it up best: “Getzlaf falls, Mo’s going to the box”. Mo didn’t do shit, so it’s nice to know the refs will call that penalty, but not the cheapshots we’ve been seeing all night. The Stars PK needs to show up strong right now.

God Almighty, can we talk less about Henrik Lundqvist? I care far more about sweet, kindly Joel than Evil Ranger King Henrik. Ralph & Razor are talking up Henrik & the Rangers’ playoff series.

:30: Power play over; we’re back at full strength as Niedermeyer bowls Brenden Morrow over. Thanks, jerkface. WHAT? What penalty? Delayed penalty and Brenden Morrow is shaking his head like, “What the christ?”

So we start the third on the PK. Good idea, Stars.

2nd Intermission

Screw Razor; Jen points out to me that Holmqvist’s been kindly opening/shutting the doors for players again. That Holmqvist, such a well-mannered Swede!

I’m taking a break to not…shoot myself in the face. Be back shortly.

3rd Period

Brenden’s in the box for charging.   Oookay.  Whatevs.

17:44: Penalty, thou art killed.

17:00ish: Turco makes a good save.   Sigh.  Rob Niedermeyer nearly kicked his skate into Marty.   Not.  Cool.

17:17ish: Is this a joke?   We’re going to the box.  Again.  What the hell.

Richards goes for tripping.  Dude, Brad Richards is like…a boy scout.  Come on.

16:47: Ralph describes Stu as “tearing away” but really, it’s more like a leisurely skate in the park for poor old Stu.

15:49: Hagman and Mo haul the puck into the Ducks’ zone and promptly take a shot on goal; Hagman just throws himself into some Duck.  If Hagman’s going down, he’s takin’ someone with him, dammit.

WELL THANK GOD. Ducks are going to the box for holding.

WHATEVERTIMEWHATEVER: Oh my god.   Mo gets the puck down to the Ducks zone with some fancy stickwork, passes it around, and promptly just fucking shoots it in from the blueline.   Right past Giguere.  Beautiful!

The hug he and Robi share is fucking amazing and chokes me up a little bit.   Two assists in the game for little Robi!

13:00ish: OH MY GOD!  Lundy gets hammered — poor Lundy — but passes it up to Eriksson who gets it to Richards who just — gets it in past Giguere from the right.   Giggy’s reaction is classic whiny brat-esque, and Richards nets a goal.  Oh, how wonderful.  Brad Richards, thank you a thousand times over for doing that, so I could witness Bratty Giguere one more time.

We seem to have some sort of team meeting about whether or not Richards should get a delay of game penalty, which is just..god.   If you’re seriously arguing for “delay of game” – from the Ducks side – then the refs should start calling everything on both sides, which is not going to happen.

Ducks on the power play as the refs vote in favor of the Ducks.

But then Bertuzzi seems to have douched it up on Daley, so he’s going to the box.

Thanks, Todd Bertuzzi!  You even got Razor to go, “Whee!”

10ish: Hagman sees open ice with the puck on his stick and goes charging like an elephant towards Giguere, but fails to knock it in.  Pronger managed to douche it up even more, thereby landing him in the box for some pretty blatant holding.

4 on 3 in Dallas’ favor, here we go!

OH MY GOD.

NIEDERMEYER! On the brief resulting 5 on 3, to kill out the last of it, apparently Scott Niedermeyer decided, hey, let’s fall on Brad Richards to keep him from scoring.   Seriously, this team…so repulsive.

8:20: Full strength now, as Pronger gets a breakaway out of the box and it takes three Stars to keep him relatively away from Turco but he still manages to at least get a chance.

6:30: Some Duck gets actually checked by Mo and falls down and is pissed that no call is made.   You’ve now figured out Mike Modano’s super secret ninja plan, what can I say, Ducky McDuckerson?

5:34: This  Eriksson/Lundqvist/Richards line is pretty sweet!  And right as I type that?   Swedish Fish scores!   Well played, Mach I, well played!

5-2 Dallas!

3;34: Seriously, Peterson and Crombeen are playing?   Have we even iced them all night?  Regardless, Hagman had some of his Satan juice and is out there rockin’ it.

Bertuzzi, you piece of crap.  Get up.   All alone on the boards by yourself and you just fall down and then grab your face?   Did you have a sudden crisis of conscience or what?

I’d like to take this moment to sing a line of Avenue Q:   “SCHAAAAAAAAAADENFREUUUUDE!  S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!”

That’s all, really.

Brad May really isn’t doing much of anything on this shift, just making with the skaty-skaty.   I’m sure that means he’s thinking, “Look!  I’m on the ice!   I’m totally getting the first star tonight!   Wooo!”

I’ll be interested in seeing the Star selections this evening, Anaheim media.

:46: The Stars are still fighting!  Way to go, guys!

:00: It was 45 more seconds of “Let’s fuck a bitch up” from Anaheim.  So there you go.   Can the Stars do this back in Dallas?   Jesus Christ, let’s hope.

________________________________

I have to say a brief thank you to everyone who stopped by tonight and commented – Myra, Jen, Cat (Jen & Cat, natch), Kirsten, and CKim, your comments all made me laugh and I’d like to say thanks for stopping by and spending the game hanging out here a bit!

Three Stars in just a sec.

3.  Ribeiro

2.  Getzlaf

HAHA!   Razor just said the “#1 Star has to be Brad May!”

Razor, how I love you.

No, #1 star?   Brad Richards!   Way to go, B-Rad!   And we even get a sweet interview with him to close out the night.