Good evening, friends. Caitlin’s internet is acting up, so I’m here in the meantime. Hopefully her internet starts working soon – I HATE being internet-less. It’s like you don’t realize how addicted you are to the internet until you’re without it. Send her internet healing vibes, or, barring that, you can send threatening notes to Time Warner, because you know, I was okay with Time Warner until my internet started messing up last week – I’d be connected one minute, and then totally not. It was so irritating. But let’s talk some hockey.
Brad Richards TOTALLY calls out the Lightning as being a crappy team when he says “It’s pretty miserable coming from where I came from.” Marty Turco reminds us of how important these last games are. He sounds a little bit drunk. It’s okay, Marty, I understand – I’ve had to drink a bit to get through these past couple of weeks, too.
Rhadiganosaurus is sitting with Ludwig at the AAC. Luddy is wearing a dark blue suit, dark blue tie, with a black shirt. It kind of looks like he’s going to a funeral, it’s so dark. Meanwhile, Rhadigan is wearing some crazy patterned brownish-orange tie, but he wins this little battle, I have to admit. They seriously can’t stop reminding us of how important these divisional games are at this point in the season.
Ah, Razor. You look snazzy! The colors of your suit, shirt, and tie match wonderfully! I don’t know what to do with this information. Down is up. The ceiling is the floor. My world has been shaken. Oh God, Ludwig is rambling about Pronger. I’m still angry about that wack roulette-wheel suspension, and Razor calls Pronger a “Hoover”? Razor might look snazzy, but I still don’t know what he’s talking about half the time. He’ll be interviewing Scary Jere in a couple of minutes. Back up to Rhadigan, and he makes a really stupid joke to tell us that they’ll be showing the clip from Casino Night.
Steve Ott and his scary facial hair tells us that the car he’s sitting in, some fancy Mercedes, is better than the beat-up pickup truck her drives. Razor says something about accumulating and expeculating? What does that even mean?! Mike Modano looks a little bit hurt when Ric Renner and Mandy Modano poke a little bit of fun with him, but Mandy tells us that Mo is really smart – he can add. I love when Ric Renner speaks of the Dallas “power couples”, and says “the Morrows”, you do not see Brenden’s wife anywhere. Russian says that it’s dangerous when people say “hit me” during blackjack, since, you know, he’s dealing cards and he’s totally hardcore Russian.
Speaking of hardcore, Brenden is hardcore drunk. Oh, Brenden. Scary Jere is 100% adorable. “I tink so! I tink so.” Brenden tells us that there are some people over there on the “fun bus”. His BFF4LYF Ribbons is even more wasted than Brenden, slurring about his Dolce and Gabbana suit while he holds a beer. Brad Richards is 100% boring as he tells us that he’s glad to be in Dallas blah blah blah.
Every time I see Scary Jere now, I just think of him saying “I tink so, I tink so” from the Casino Night video, and him going “Slayerrrrr” in his little feature. He is so awesomely adorable, for being a frightening Finn that could probably kick my ass from here to Lapland. We’re about to find out how close Russian is to returning. I’m hoping that maybe Ric Renner will interview Russian, and Russian will be so fed up from having to sit at home with his alligator, that he’ll punch Ric Renner in the face, knock him unconscious, and feed him to said alligator. That would be pretty awesome, right?
Behind Rhadiganosaurus and Ludwig, the scrolling text on the arena wall says “High School Musical On Ice Tour”, and reminds me that I should buy tickets to that. What? Don’t you judge me. They spend some more time verbally bathing Russian, talking about how awesome he is and how the Stars need him back, basically, stuff we all know. Russian is sitting at home right now, his foot propped up on a fancy ottoman, with Iskritstiy sitting beside him. “Iskritstiy, why must they always talk about me? I do not want the personal attention. It’s bad enough that everyone was talking about me winning the Norris before this blasted foot injury, and now I’m nominated for the Masterton. STOP TALKING ABOUT ME! NO PERSONAL ATTENTION! I PLAY FOR TEAM!”
Oh, by the way, in case you didn’t know, the Stars trivia question is where the Stars got Russian from, and I scream at my television “PITTSBURGH PENGUINS” like I’m going to win something. I’m not. But I AM right.
Dave Tippett talks some about the lines and how they’ve changed them, etc. etc. I’m starting to get hungry, and realize that I now have to wait until the first intermission to cook. I also realize that I don’t know what I’m going to cook. Ah, that’s what those 20 minutes between the first and the second are for. Luddy’s Last Line is basically “Hey, rookie defensemen? STOP SUCKING.” I said the exact same thing just before pregame started, Luddy. He also tells me that Russian needs to come back to help the kids out. UM, DUH.
First period is coming up.
I totally lied, you guys. I made mashed potatoes while Ralph and Razor talked about the Ducks and blah blah blah. But I’m back for faceoff.
19:28 Modano makes some good, smart plays to get the puck to Loui Eriksson, and then the Ducks get it, and then Modano shoots it, and boo, no dice.
18:57 I see some stuff that looks an awful lot like tripping from the Ducks, but there’s no whistle. Did the Ducks pay off the refs like the Red Wings seem to do sometimes?
18:25 Ralph tells me that Mittens is back on Morrow-Ribbons line!! Thank you, Baby Hockey Jesus! Now come on, Mittens, let’s get a goal!
17:39 If that stupid Ducky McDuck hadn’t been all up in Ribbon’s business, that might have been a goal. As it is, though, the guy who was all up on Ribbons goes to the box. Stars power play!
15:35 The Stars don’t even get a shot on goal on that power play. Uggggggh. Ryan Getzlaf dives to stop a shot from Modano. YOU LET MOJANGLES SCORE, DAMN IT.
13:50 Barch vs. May…AGAIN. This is what, round four? Barchie is getting in some good punches! The best part? How AMUSED Brenden looks on the bench. Barchie has an ice pack on his wrist as he sits in the penalty box.
12:16 What is this? Razor says something good about Mittens? I don’t remember what it was, but I know that it was good, and I’m pleased. Because seriously, I hate when they talk bad about Caitlin’s Mittens.
When we get back from commercial, they show Robi on the bench, wearing his cage because of his poor, poor face that got slammed into the goalpost on Saturday. Fistric is animatedly talking to Daley in front of the bench. It’s awesome to watch.
9:00 Mittens fires off a strong shot on goal, but Giguere blocks it, and then drops down to cover the puck. And now Razor is saying “He’s not” about Mittens. “He’s not being as aggressive” blah blah blah. SHUT UP, RAZOR.
7:34 Mittens is in the box for hooking. Mittens in a box. Hee.
7:16 Brenden Morrow scores a short-handed breakaway goal!! It’s a beauty of a goal, too. He makes it look so easy. Wait a second, Razor just said something about a gaping hole between Giguere’s legs. Um, please stop. Bill Oellermann, the Stars in-arena announcer, sounds SO excited about the goal! I love Bill! Stars lead, 1-0!
When we go to commerical, Ralph tells us that Brenden has a career-high 66 points! YAY BRENDEN! I do a shot of Stolichnaya for you, Brenden!
2:20 Selanne hits Norstrom, but like, bounces right off of him. Almost immediately afterwards, Marty makes a save that makes everyone in the crowd cheer and stand up.
1:29 Lundqvist makes a good hit that sends a Duck falling to the ice. Good job Lundy!
0:00 The Stars go into the dressing room leading, 1-0. Let’s hope it stays that way.
19:12 Niskanen falls. Stop that.
18:20 Robidas awesomely keeps the puck in the zone as it bounces off Brenden’s skate, and some Duck tries to flick it out of their zone. Robi is so awesome.
17:37 Dallas crazy leads with shots on goal – 12 to 3.
16:01 Winchester and Barch both combine to hit a guy at the same time. It is so awesome. Kind of reminds me of a movie. Dude, Barchie and Winchester would be so awesome in a movie together.
15:52 Stupid Ducks. They score on the power play, right after Ralph and Razor are talking about the Ducks and how they, like, don’t score on the power play that often against Dallas. I hate you guys. 1-1.
15:24 Todd Bertuzzi keeps hitting and pushing Matt Niskanen, and I am 100% not okay with that. He holds Niskanen against the boards, and gets a penalty for interference. That’s RIGHT. That’s what you GET.
15:10 GIGUERE, YOU LET MITTENS SCORE, YOU HEAR ME? He keeps trying and trying, and you’re not letting up. Come on, man. Look at dear Mittens. He’s such a nice young man.
13:34 Marty comes far out of his net to play the puck, even though there’s a Duck like RIGHT THERE, but it works out to his advantage, as Daley gets control of the puck. That could have ended badly, but it totally didn’t, and that’s awesome.
12:00 This game has suddenly gotten really fast. It was probably equally fast before and I just didn’t notice because of eatings and stuff.
11:30 Giguere gets an interference call for tripping Brenden, while Brenden gets a diving call, and it’s totally uncool.
10:52 Ryan Getzlaf gets a penalty, making it a 4-on-3 for a minute and a half.
9:41 Robidas (I think) ends up in the Dallas net after an Anaheim 2-on-1, but hey, the puck didn’t go in the net, so we’re cool. They show Neidermayer on the bench, and god, I hate him.
8:53 Ribbons gets a shot on goal, right when the penalty expires. Too bad Giguere saves it. Barely.
Hey, the Liverpool FC Reserve Team is totally there watching the hockey game. There are two guys who are gesticulating wildly, and it makes me laugh. OH GOD, RAZOR, SHUT UP ABOUT CHRIS PRONGER.
8:24 Barchie falls, or gets pushed (I’m going with the latter), and Winchester wants to step up to defend his guy, but the refs are right there. JeffK, the game host, is playing something that makes it sound like the crowd is singing, but we all know that doesn’t happen here.
7:51 The camera pulls away from it, but some Duck pushes one of my Stars down. NOT KA-BLAMO.
There is a very, very extended shot of Ryan Getzlaf on the bench, and I’m disturbed to find that I sit and think “…He’s not that bad-looking, really.” Clearly, the cameramen have just been depriving me of extended shots of Matt Niskanen.
Anaheim’s backup goaltender? Really weird-looking. Like, really.
5:15 Seriously, after every single whistle there is a bunch of shoving. Which is expected in a Dallas/Anaheim matchup, but I get mad when Matt is in the middle of it. I’m afraid he doesn’t know how to fight or shove or anything. I”m sure he can handle his own, he’s a hockey player, but I get concerned.
4:50 The Havoc Fanatics are loud enough for me to hear them. At least, I can hear their drum, which is better than I can say most of the time.
3:05 GIGUERE, LET NISKANEN SCORE. COME ON. SERIOUSLY.
2:20 Why do Ralph and Razor have to say things like “Last shot wins?” “Maybe in a shootout!” God, please don’t. The Stars need to win this in regulation. Like, NEED TO.
1:37 Caitlin boos the fact that Robi is being put in the box. At least, I think it’s this penalty, because I’m a little behind – had to put laundry in, so I paused.
0:57 Niskanen does something right and clears the puck. He’s been playing well this game, even without his surly, crotchety old Russian.
0:00 It’s tied 1-1 through two periods. Come on Stars. Win it for me. And also for you. SERIOUSLY.
16:46 The Stars get a couple of decent opportunities for a goal, but various things prevent it from happening.
15:07 Two Ducks converge on Robi, and I get absurdly angry. Untypical Girls’ friend Ajay is at my house, and he brought Mexican food that smells AMAZING, but didn’t bring any for me. What an ass, right?
14:26 Right when I’m screaming “PENALTY! PENALTY!” Chris Kunitz gets called for holding.
10:02 NO TOUCH MITTENS.
9:35 Ribeiro gets CRAZY high-sticked, and there’s no call. Turco makes an awesome save! Morrow fights people! NISKANEN PUSHES A NIEDERMAYER DOWN AND IT IS SO AWESOME. THAT’S RIGHT. SO AWESOME. I REWOUND IT LIKE FIVE TIMES.
9:15 The Stars end up with a 4 minute power play.
5:20 And they do NOTHING with the 4-minute power play. NOTHING.
1:17 Robidas and Getzlaf both go down, Brenden gets a penalty, Tippett swears on the bench.
0:27 The Ducks score on the power play. Everything sucks. I hate hockey. Niskanen should never have let that through. The Stars need Boo-Boo and Russian back immediately. I hate hockey.
0:00 I don’t know if the crowd is booing the Stars, or the Ducks. Right now, I’m kind of booing both. I’m not blogging postgame, because I hate hockey and need to drown myself in vodka.