Why hello there, my second favorite Western Conference team! I can’t explain why I like the Calgary Flames, honestly. I think it was because I really liked Miika Kiprusoff’s name.
As the game isn’t being broadcast on FSN-SW, we get no pregame. We do, however, get a little montage about how the Stars are #1 in the Pacific, to the song “Fight For Your Right” by the Beastie Boys. Ralph reminds us that the Stars are, indeed, first in the Pacific, and have won 9 of their last 10 games. Apparently “everyone” is talking about the Stars. Really? Because I haven’t really noticed. I met someone in class the other day who didn’t even know that Dallas HAD a hockey team – and they were born and raised in Dallas.
Jere Lehtinen has been back for quite a few games now, and surely it’s not coincidental that the team is playing so well with his return. We love you, Scary Jere!
The Flames have the 22nd ranked penalty kill in the league. Also, I can hear the pre-game video that they play at the arena – the last game I went to (Stars vs. Phoenix, February 11), I was treated to a new video. The song? “Knights of Cydonia” by Muse, which, incidentally, is a very difficult song to play on Expert on Guitar Hero. Does anyone else play air-Guitar-Hero when they hear songs that are in the game? Or am I the only one?
Niklas Hagman leads the NHL in game-winning goals! Well, he’s tied with that crazy Russian, Alex Ovechkin. The new video on the Stars website about equipment managers has an excellent shot of Hagman, giving the camera a really goofy smile. It’s incredibly awesome.
Puck is about to drop – I’m going to hastily throw something in the microwave.
19:10 Otter decides to drop the gloves with Iginla. Something told me this would happen. Otter kicks his ass, too, looking frighteningly like a Yeti as he does so. The broadcast folk already have a little montage of Otter pissing Iginla off ready.
18:24 Happy Meals cleverly dodges a hit. You have clearly been taking lessons from Russian, young man.
18:00 Daley turns the puck over, and some Flamey McFlamerson “spanks it”. I’m REALLY uncomfortable with Ralph and Razor saying that phrase. They show Mark Fistric on the bench, and I can see Smitty in the background. GET A HAIRCUT, DUDE. Fistric has a broken finger and a nasty gash on his chin. That dude is hard-fucking-core.
17:08 Dion Phaneuf pushes our pretty Swede, Joel Lundqvist, down. I make an odd squeaking sound of anger.
16:30 Mittens goes for it, and shoots it right into CuJo’s glove. I’m glad people have stopped calling him “Missthenetinen”, because he tries so hard. He’s such a nice young man, that Mr. Mittens. Also, they show a close-up of Brenden Morrow, and he looks okay. He missed the luncheon yesterday, and one of the announcers on Sunday said something about how he was a question mark or something, so we were a little freaked about whether or not he was okay.
15:36 SO CLOSE. Mittens shot it, Joseph couldn’t hold onto it. If someone had been there, undoubtedly that would have been a goal.
14:40 I know I’ve said it before, but I love when Modano skates down the rink. His jersey flaps behind him and it’s so awesomely dramatic, and I always think about how he could be a superhero in that jersey.
13:30 Some vintage CuJo, with a pretty awesome save on a shot from Lehtinen.
12:45 Blood on the ice. I hate it when people bleed. Plz 2 b okay, Flames guy. Sarich, I think it was?
9:20 ijeadrfui2534 <–that is what my cat, Maahes, apparently has to say about this game. He’s just upset that I’m not paying attention to him.
We have four players having career years in goal-scoring. I love my team.
8:00 Robi gets tied up with a Flame, and I’m honestly pretty surprised there was no call on it, knowing how 99% of referees seem to feel about the Stars.
7:10 Robi gets called for tripping, and Tanguay scores on the ensuing power play. Damn you. 1-0 Flames.
Oh good Christ, why do they have to play a Whataburger commercial for the Honey BBQ Chicken Sandwich? It makes my microwavable Lean Cuisine look quite paltry in comparison.
BOUCHER MAYBE BACK NEXT WEEK. HAY HAY BOO-BOO!
4:41 Ott gets a holding penalty, and gives what Razor calls a “wry smile”. Sounds like Otter, all right. On the next whistle, there’s a close up of Brenden and he looks quite fetching.
4:10 Jere Lehtinen wins a face-off, and Ralphie feels the need to point it out.
1:04 I can actually kind of hear people yelling “Hey, Bill! How much time is left?” Or possibly it’s my imagination, since I kind of mentally yell it every time. I definitely do hear the Havoc Fanatics’ drums, though.
The score is 1-0 Flames at the end of the first period. Some Stars fan has a sign that says “Flames – the F is silent”. I like it. Lundy will be joining Razor for the first intermission interview!
Lundqvist has very good bone structure, and very nice blue eyes…Not to mention a nice Swedish accent. Razor asks about Henrik, naturally, and whether his hefty contract extension will lead to nicer birthday presents. It fucking better.
I really…Don’t care too much about Jonathan Toews. I didn’t know that he’s a French-speaking Canadian, though. He’s in some French restaurant eating frog’s legs. I do admit that he’s right, frog’s legs do taste like chicken. His parents are adorable. If they’re going to show a video about a rookie, though, can it please be Matt Niskanen? I’d like that more. Obviously.
Thanks, New Jersey Devils, for beating the Sharks! It helps.
0:16 FINNJA HAGMAN SCORES! THANKS FINNJA! 1-1!
Finnja Hagman, it’s okay to smile.
15:12 Otter’s shot goes far up and into the screen. I love seeing all the guys looking up. It makes me giggle.
The puck goes right to Brenden after the faceoff, and he shoots it, but it doesn’t go in. It okay, Brenden.
14:52 Grossman makes an awesome hit on some Flame. I’m going to be pretty upset when Grossman and Fistric go back to Iowa when Boo-Boo and Russian come back.
14:14 Brenden looks pretty happy about Flame #28 going to the box for holding. Also, once again, none of the Untypical Girls are the power play contestant. What the FUCK.
The Flames have a guy named “Yelle”. Hee.
Brenden parks his ass in front of the net, just like I told him to. Razor says something about pumping it to the net. Stop saying things that are vaguely sexual, Razor. It makes me horribly uncomfortable.
12:35 GOD, SMITTY NEEDS A HAIRCUT. The Untypical Girls have a friend who graduated from cosmetology school, she can totally cut your hair, Smitty. You need it.
12:10 Happy Meals falls, leading to a shot from a Flame that Turco tries to stop, but the rebound gets loose. The Flames don’t score, though, thankfully.
10:45 Another penalty to the Flames, after Hagman positively races down the ice for the puck. Seriously, that guy is wicked.
They show Matt on the bench, and he looks very sad about falling earlier. It’s okay, honey! If it makes you feel any better, I’ll still adore you even if you score against yourself like you did at UMD that one time…Okay, maybe not if that happens.
8:59 Any puck that Matt Niskanen shoots needs to go into the net. My neighbors would hate me a lot, but I’d be really happy about it, and that matters more than pissed-off neighbors.
8:25 Otter has more words for Jarome Iginla. God, Otter.
Poor Flames. They’re all wearing #18 on their helmets tonight in honor of Mickey Renaud. Otter is also wearing #18 on his helmet, he played for the Windsor Spitfires early in his career.
7:16 Owen Nolan goes to the box for cross-checking. Let’s see if the Stars can get a goal on this power play. That would be nice, wouldn’t it? It would be even nicer if one of the Untypical Girls was the power play contestant. *grumblegrumble*
5:30 MITTENS?! WHAT DID YOU DO, MITTENS?! SLASHING? Mittens, you would never do such thing…Despite the fact that it’s quite clear that it was, indeed, a slash. Oh, MITTENS.
Apparently it’s the night for fiesty Martys, as Razor just told us that Marty Turco (“GoldenLegs”, or “Gold Gams”, as Razor says) has been quite feisty tonight.
3:52 Sarich is back on the ice with a contraption on his helmet to protect his poor face.
0:25 NO FANCY RIBBONS, RIBBONS. PLAIN RIBBONS.
0:14 Lehtinen is RUN OVER, and loses his helmet. NOT COOL, FLAMEY MCFLAMERSON.
0:00 Brenden has some words with Nolan for running over Lehtinen. This is going to get interesting.
Otter likes New York.
19:57 There’s a penalty right off the faceoff. Awesome.
19:30 WHAT THE FUCK WTFWTFWTF. I HATE YOU, FLAMES. FUCK YOU. 2-1 Flames. It’s their 8th shot of the game. And they score on it. I hate everything.
18:03 WTF NORSTROM? THANKS BUDDY. 2-2!
16:50 Turco saves a shot from a Flame. Thank you, Marty!! Also, the goal was given to Ott, assisted by Norstrom and Modano.
14:57 STOP HATING ON MITTENS. MITTENS IS AWESOME AND NO ONE WILL TELL ME HIS OFFENSE HAS “DRIED UP”, OKAY? SHUT UP.
11:07 CuJo makes a save on a shot from Ribbons and Brenden. Don’t you know that all Morrownator shots need to go in the net?
8:00 ROBIDAS IS PUT INTO THE CALGARY BENCH?! NO TOUCH ROBI!
6:30 Marty makes an incredible diving save, and they close up on his face, and his eyes are closed as if he is saying “Thank you, Baby Hockey Jesus!”
6:21 Fistric takes a tripping penalty, and the crowd does not like it.
5:56 Otter pushes a Flame down. Oh, Otter.
4:20 The Stars had the puck for the majority of that power play. You’re so awesome, Stars.
2:49 Time is winding down, and it’s still tied. I am uncomfortable.
2:27 I SHOULDN’T HAVE SAID THAT, BECAUSE IGINLA JUST SCORED. 3-2 Flames.
2:10 Ribbons makes a clever play to get the puck from a Flame. Sometimes Fancy Ribbons is good.
1:17 Turco heads to the bench for the extra attacker, and I hate empty nets.
0:47 Daley makes a nice play to get the puck away from a Flame, to prevent the empty net goal. My subconscious that gives me horrible nightmares about empty net goals thanks you, Trevor.
0:00 Ribeiro just tried to fight Phaneuf. ANGRY!RIBBONS!
Flames win, 3-2. I hate everything.