Posted by: Cat | January 20, 2008

Stars vs. Ducks, 1/20/08


I tune into FSN Southwest as soon as I get bored with the Bruins/Rangers game on NBC, which is immediately after the horn sounds for the end fo the game. Those are two teams I can’t care about when I haven’t eaten lunch yet.

DFW Sports Beat is on. They’re still talking about the Cowboys. Troy Aikman has opened a recreation area at Cook Children’s Hospital, along with Garth Brooks. They show some footage of Troy Aikman playing Guitar Hero – he’s not that good.

Someone please let me know what is up with this music. It’s, I’m assuming, a local band, playing a jaunty tune and singing lyrics like “just kick back, relax and watch sports beeeeeeeaaaaaaat”. Also, where’s my Stars pre-game show? Cowboys season is OVER. You know what ISN’T over? Hockey season. You know how I know? BECAUSE THE GAME STARTS IN 26 MINUTES. I hate you sometimes, FSN.

Jason Garrett is staying? I thought he was going to Atlanta. I haven’t been keeping up. Apparently, Jerry Jones talked him into staying. The host of DFW Sports Beat says he saw a prepared quarterback in Tony Romo, but he has not seen Romo being the fun-loving guy who was upbeat in the locker room. I stop listening, because they’re still talking about football and not about hockey.

OH! HOCKEY! Oh, wait, it was just some kids playing NHL 08 on XBox with Garth Brooks. Damn it.

College basketball. Yawn. Give me college hockey. In fact, I’m still bitter that I don’t get FSCA or whatever the channel is that was playing the Minnesota/Minnesota-Duluth game on Friday night. I did watch the St. Lawrence/Dartmouth game last week. Good game.

Oh, finally, it’s 2:27 and the game starts in mere minutes. Now where is my pizza? I definitely did order Papa John’s Pizza. MARTY, GIMME MY GARLIC SAUCE.

First Period

Razor is looking sharp, in a grey suit and it looks like a maroon tie. There may be a design on it, but he won’t move his microphone so I can see. Ralph is in a brown suit, blue shirt and dark blue (?) tie. I think Razor might win today. They start talking about Niedermayer. SHUT. UP. Then they talk about Corey Perry, and then Todd Bertuzzi. I hate everything.

It looks like Matt Niskanen did NOT bump fists with the Youth Starter of the Game. I call him a dick, and then rewind to make sure. It was just that Mattias Norstrom’s large caboose blocked my view. I hate it when that happens. It’s like yesterday, when I was watching the game, there was a point where they showed Happy Meals on the bench, and one of the coaches stood and blocked his pretty face from the camera. Why do you people DO this to me? I suppose it could be worse – it could be Russian, using Mo’s large teeth…Erm…Head…To block the camera.

Marty Turco is in net today. Go Marty! Make sure my pizza gets here now, please! Giguere is over on the other end. We start with the Peanut Butter Cup line of Morrow, Ribeiro, and Miettinen. Nicklas Grossman and Stephane Robidas start on defense.

Ralph points out that this game is VERY!IMPORTANT! because the Stars and the Ducks are separated by only one point. WE KNOW. He also points out that Happy Meals is paired with Norstrom due to the lack of Russian.


18:27 Eriksson is playing so well lately. He almost makes it 1-0 Stars, just a minute and a half in!! Too bad Giguere pulls it in.

18:05 Razor reports that Bertuzzi and Ott are having words – Bertuzzi apparently ripped Ott’s helmet off or something. KICK HIS ASS, OTTER! KICK HIS ASS!

17:14 I realize that B.J. Crombeen is playing again today, which means that Winchester is scratched. I can only imagine that Jen must be quite upset at this turn of events.

16:10 Some fucker crashes Niskanen into the boards. I WILL STAB YOU. I also realize that whenever Ralph says “Pronger” or “Niedermayer”, I clench my jaw.

HEY! WHY ARE YOU HITTING BRENDEN MORROW? HE’LL MORROWNATE YOU! STOP IT! EVERYONE gets in on it. Steve Ott is on the bench talking shit – is anyone surprised at that? I can actually hear players shouting pretty clearly, but can’t pick out any of the words because I’m typing and all. Razor calls it “verbal diarrhea”. Naturally, we get some penalties out of that – the Stars get the short hand. Ducks power play, damn it.

14:29 Turco stops a shot from Getzlaf! And, of course, there’s more shit going down. The second I see Norstrom in the middle of it, I keep an eye out for Happy Meals – I don’t want anyone messing with his pretty little face. He stays out of it, though – must be taking lessons from Russian. Also, my pizza just got here! Yay! On the bright side, the Ducks get a penalty, which means in less than a minute the Stars will be on the powerplay.

12:27 Stars can’t capitalize on the power play. Damn it, guys.

11:43 Crombeen takes a really good shot, but Giguere stops it. STUPID GIGUERE.

A Toyota commercial informs me that “Cowboy Toyota” is the “Fasted Growing Toyota Dealer” or something. Fasted? Really?

RAZOR. I don’t want to hear you talk about fiveholes that look inviting. Please stop.

11:32 ANOTHER penalty! Bertuzzi gets a double minor! High sticking and unsportsmanlike conduct (that’s what happens when you mouth off and you’re ugly. I’d put Bertuzzi in the box for being fugly, yeah). That’s right, fucker, get in the box.

10:32 I SCREAM AS LOUD AS I CAN! ROBIDAS SCORES! ROBI ROBI ROBI ROBI! I LOVE YOU ROBI! I bet Caitlin and Jen are screaming so loud for Robi right now!!! ROBIIIIIIIIIIIIII! Robi looks so happy! 1-0 Stars!

Barchie and Crombeen try for the wraparound, but Giguere isn’t fooled. And then some of those fucking Ducks come up and push Crombeen, who pushes back, and then Barchie comes up and there’s more pushing. Sometimes that’s just what Barchie is there for. Pushing and starting shit. Random fact – he is the leader among all Iowa Stars ever in penalty minutes, at 129.

7:38 Crombeen has had some GOOD scoring chances, but Giguere is denying him. DAMN it, Giguere. All up in the way of my players scoring.

6:32 The Stars have learned from yesterday, apparently, because they lead in shots on goal, 8-4. Keep it up, boys.

I forgot to mention that Hockey Referee Robot is at this game. You can tell because you hear a nasal, high-pitched, monotone voice calling the penalties. I love it.

4:33 Morrownator goes to the box for hooking. Oh, BRENDEN. GOD, Razor just said “Niedermayer” and “Lidstrom” in the same sentence. I HATE you.

3:36 Pronger and Niedermayer (I don’t care which one) are the point men on their powerplay. It’s like my worst nightmare.

2:50 Ott hilariously raises his arm in a “God DAMN it” motion when he fails to get the puck from one of the Ducks. About ten seconds later, Morrow gets an awesome pass from Modano, who knew that Morrow would be stepping out of the box, and Morrow gets a breakaway that Giguere saves. Have I mentioned that I really hate Giguere sometimes? The Stars once again brought out their awesome penalty kill.

0:50 Robidas sends an awesome pass up to Miettinen, but someone blocks it. Guess who? Pronger. I hate him.

At the horn, someone crashes into Norstrom (I think) and the other players all come up to defend. Niskanen skates up and sort of stands there, in case he has to do something, I guess. He doesn’t fight. I would love to see him fight, but at the same time, I don’t want to run the risk of someone hurting his pretty face.

1-0 Stars at the end of the first, thanks to (SQUEAL) Stephane Robidas!!

First Intermission

Mike Modano is the interviewee at the first intermission. He needs a haircut. Also, turns out that Razor’s tie has a pink stripe or something on it. It’s…Interesting, but it looks okay, actually. I laugh as the Chili’s blimp floats down behind Razor, and then I start to crave Chili’s a little bit. As soon as this interview is over, I’m going to get a plate with some pizza, because I haven’t even started to eat yet. Razor calls Mike Modano a Mensa guy in the hockey department. Okay, Razor, that’s cool.

We get a spot about Getzlaf and the Cup. I swear that the guy says he goes home to “Vagina, Saskatchewan”, but then I realize he said “Regina”. Turns out that Getzlaf wanted to be a goalie as a child. Okay, so maybe he’s an all right guy. But still, he’s a Duck, and that’s just not cool.

Second Period

19:27 Perry hits Robidas, because he’s jealous that he’s not as awesome. After the whistle, Otter and Beauchemin talk some more shit. When Otter goes to the bench, Smitty is smiling as he says something to him, and it’s awesome.

17:10 Crombeen tries again! Giguere, just get out of the fucking way so the guy can get his first NHL career goal, would you?

16:20 Ralph and Razor start talking about “the Ice Girl door”, which is also where the opposing team goes in and out. They go on for at least half a minute about calling it the Ice Girl door.

Miettinen gets in a good shot, but the camera follows Steve Ott to the bench, and this time I notice that Smitty is in desperate need of a haircut. His hair is reaching Andy Samberg jew-fro levels.

13:36 Robidas gets flattened and OMG ROBI ARE YOU HURT?!?!?!?! ROBIDAS! PLEASE BE OKAY! OH MY GOD ROBI. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. Right now in American Airlines Center, Caitlin and Jen are screaming and trying to jump over to glass to physically assault the guy who hit Robi. I’d be right there with them, for real. NO TOUCH ROBI!

When we come back from commercial, Robidas is okay, sitting on the bench with some smelling salts. Good. You’d better be okay, Robi, because 3 rookie defensemen is enough.

13:00 A shot from the Ducks hits Fistric in the knee, and he heads into the tunnel to check on it. Oh my God, I don’t like it when there are potential injuries.

12:10 Another skirmish, this time involving Hagman. I do notice Happy Meals in there, but he doesn’t get hit, so I’m not screaming too loud yet.

11:04 Marty leaves his net to play the puck, and VERY swiftly smacks it down the boards and gets back into his net. Show ’em how it’s done, Marty.

The Stars get a too-many-men on the ice penalty. That is my least favorite penalty ever.

“Masticating meat-clacker”? Razor just used those words to describe Steve Ott. Either meat clacker or meat packer. Either way, I don’t know what that means.

The Stars successfully kill off their penalty. Go Stars!

6:30 Someone slams Niskanen into the boards. I heard the boards shake. Don’t hit him like that, please.

5:59 Anaheim goes on the power play AGAIN, when poor Finnja Mittens goes into the box for slashing. It’s okay, Mittens! You saw Caitlin and Jen’s sign! We love you! No need to look so angry in the box. Angry!Mittens is kind of hot.

4:59 The net is dislodged, and Daley and Bertuzzi hilariously just sit there for awhile. It’s awesome. Also, Grossman is awesome.

4:35 Bochenski looks like a bird. An ugly bird.

The Stars have now killed off 4 of 4 penalties today. Anyone surprised?

2:59 Don’t hit Halpern like that. That’s a hate crime!

An extended shot of the Anaheim bench tells me that the Ducks are not the most attractive NHL team. Razor then tells me that Fistric has not been back since taking that shot to the knee.

The Ducks have their dads with them on this trip? What?

1:14 Why is the Power Play Contestant NEVER ME? I want glass seats!

The horn sounds, and the score is still 1-0 Stars at the end of the second. The game summary says that the Stars lead in shots on goal, 12-8.

Third Period

12:50 My dad called me at the beginning of the third, so I’ve been on the phone.  I did see Morrow’s goal, though, so yay, 2-0 Stars!

Halpern goes to the box for goaltender interference.  It’s okay Halpie.  We forgive you.

12:01 HAGMAN WITH A SHORT-HANDED GOAL!!  Oh, Hagman!  Thanks!  3-0 Stars!

11:15 Some Duck ruins Marty’s shutout.  Damn you!!  I’m still only half-paying attention, since I’m still on the phone, and therefore only sort of listening to Ralph and Razor. 3-1 Stars.

11:02 HOLY SHIT MAN.  Morrow scores to make it 4-1 Stars!

Turco makes a pretty save on a shot from Bochenski.  I love watching Turco, he’s so fast.  Razor says that Turco almost had his fanny on the goal line.  I haven’t heard someone refer to an ass as a fanny in a long time.

6:50 Getzlaf scores.  4-2 Stars.  DAMN IT, DUCKS.

2:30 The Ducks pull their goalie to try and get the last two goals they’ll need to send this game to overtime.  Turco looks determined.  I’m still on the phone.

2:09 Hagman gets an empty netter!!  This is a new career high for him – 18th goal of the season!

Stars win this one, 5-2.  This means that the Stars are now first in the Pacific Division!  ILU so hard, Stars.



  1. Um, you’re freaking me out. I settled in to watch this game and also ordered Papa John’s, and swear to god it arrived about 5 minutes after yours did. Had I been reading this at the time I would have been REALLY scared – as it is I’m huddled under my blanket shaking…

    …oh yeah, and go Stars! (If Jeffy Poo were to get a goal for me today it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world :P)

  2. Whoa! We like, have the same mind. Papa John’s is so awesome. What did you get? Because I definitely ordered a spinach/tomato/chicken alfredo pizza. Mmm.

  3. I got the garden medley pizza . Because the veggies make it healthy…right?

    I also got garlic parmesan breadsticks. Because the Diet Coke makes THAT healthy……..right?

  4. Hey, I got garlic parmesan breadsticks too! And the Dr. Pepper isn’t making that any healthier.

    I’m of the opinion that sporting events are times when you can eat WHATEVER you want.

  5. Dang. I should have got pizza instead of fries.

  6. Fries sound delicious too, though!

  7. Exactly! It’s because the athletes being all athletic burns off the calories of whatever you’re eating – that’s how hard they’re working. It’s all very scientific and true.

  8. …what the hell did they just call Ott? The masticating meatpacker or something? I get the chewing thing but…huh. Your commentators make me happy.

  9. Yeah, garlic fries. Midnight snack of champions.

    CC, totally true!

  10. Masticating meat-clacker. I don’t know what the hell that means. I don’t think Razor knows what the hell that means either.

  11. …He did say “meat-clacker”, right? That’s what I heard. I could be wrong. But whatever he said, I don’t know what it means.

  12. Masticating meat-clacker

    Well, mastication is the process of chewing. I don’t know what the heck he means by meat-clacker though…

  13. I guess meat-clacker is…slightly…better…than meatpacker. Kinda. Sorta.

    Our guys say things all the time that I’m not sure they understand either, so yeah. Razor is just endearing himself to me more and more by being exactly like Locker is for us ;)

    I think by the end of this game the three of us should create a definition for meat-clacker – I like it.

  14. I think by the end of this game the three of us should create a definition for meat-clacker – I like it.

    I agree. It can be the new “it” word, like when Paris Hilton said “that’s hot” all the time.

  15. It can be the new “it” word, like when Paris Hilton said “that’s hot” all the time.

    So fetch!

  16. Ha! Fetch. Nice, Mags ;)

    Um…this’ll take some thought. I could go somewhere really dirty with “meat-clacker” but I won’t. Not yet, at least.

  17. I could go somewhere really dirty with “meat-clacker” but I won’t.

    I think you and I have a very similar train of thought going :P

  18. Yeah, me too. It just…Sounds very dirty.

  19. Well, it’s nice to know that if nothing else I have company in the gutter! I swear I may be a female in my 20s but I have the mind of a 12 year old boy…and now in my head I’m writing a story about Ott and his meat-clacking tendencies.

  20. now in my head I’m writing a story about Ott and his meat-clacking tendencies.


  21. …and now in my head I’m writing a story about Ott and his meat-clacking tendencies.

    Yeah, I got nothing. I’m going to a really bad place with that.

  22. …Ew.

    Yeah. I know. Seriously, my brain is a scary place sometimes – you sure you want me commenting on your blog anymore?

  23. Oh, CapsChick, you’re always welcome of course!!

    …Even if you do have a dirty mind. ;)

  24. Dirty, twisted, whatever…but thanks! Glad my disgustingness is always welcome here ;)

    Could you get your team to score a few more goals please? I don’t know if it’s just the Caps fan in me but I get very nervous with a 1-goal lead.

    …actually after last night’s Caps game I get a little scared with a 3-goal lead, too. That’s not normal.

  25. Don’t hit Halpern like that. That’s a hate crime!

    :^::::::::::: Poor Jeffy Poo. Anti-Semites all over the damn place…meanwhile my Jewdar is going crazy, could there really be two of my fellow members of the tribe on the ice at one time?? I think Jeffy is the more Chosen of the two, but that’s just me…


  27. Your captain is the shit.

  28. Your captain is the shit.

    Hee, we know.

  29. Not to FOREVER be bringing it back to the Caps, but Morrow always reminds me of a Chris Clark-type (my captain), scrappy and feisty and just awesomeness personified. It’s why I’ve always liked Morrow and Halpern – grinder guys like that are love to me.

  30. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

    So far, this is more fun than the Devils game (you may joke about the Devils killing hockey now)

    Frick Schneider.

  31. My God man. This is insane. Thanks Ribbons!

  32. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

  33. HA! They heard me! I walked away it was 2-0, I come back and it’s suddenly 4-1. Crazy! :)

  34. My bad, not Ribbons. It was Brenden again! Thanks Brenden!

  35. Cat, I admittedly don’t know a lot about the Pacific Division – is this a heated rivalry? It looks like it today but I don’t know if it’s just a cranky game or what.

  36. It’s pretty heated, yeah. Stars, Ducks, and Sharks are always the ones battling for top spot in the Pacific Division, so anytime any of those teams play each other it’s generally a pretty heated and physical and awesome game.

  37. *Gasp* You mean the Kings aren’t in the mix?? ;)

    That’s awesome, though – we’ve only recently started to get some heat in our division (ah, the SouthLeast) and it’s still somewhat dull to see yet another Panthers or Lightning game. Nice to see that heated rivalries are possible in “non-traditional” hockey markets.

  38. I feel like I should write Turco and Morrow a note… “Thank you for making my fantasy team rock”

  39. Ha! I’ve got Marty on two of my fantasy teams – helps balance out the suckitude caused by the fact that I also have Olie Kolzig. *sigh*

  40. Anyone come up with a definition for “meat-clacker” yet?

  41. Oh crap – um…one who kicks ass?

  42. the suckitude caused by the fact that I also have Olie Kolzig. *sigh*

    Awwwwwwwww. Poor Olie.

    I’ve got Brodeur and Huet on my one team, and Turco and Legace on the other. Fricking Legace keeps getting hurt though.

  43. Either that or “one who talks a lot of shit”.

  44. Meat-clacker – celebratory pat on the butt.

  45. Mags, that’s brilliant.

  46. Oh, I like that one Cat! Do it.

    Masticating meat-clacker n: one who talks a lot of shit whilst chewing gratuitous amounts of gum.

  47. That’s even better! Dammit. I’m too quick to respond.


  48. Nice CC!

    In my world, if a meat-clacker is a celebratory pat on the butt, a masticating meat-clacker would be… No, can’t get off the dirty. Dangit.

  49. In my world, if a meat-clacker is a celebratory pat on the butt, a masticating meat-clacker would be… No, can’t get off the dirty. Dangit.


  50. Ewwwwww.

    I knoooooow *cringe* Nat made me do it. Her and her talking about sinking her teeth into hockey players. Yerch.

    I like CC’s a lot. It’s been formatted all proper like and everything.

  51. What a great game. It’s never good for the team that pulls their goalie with two and a half minutes to go. I was hoping to get two empty-netters in the same game. :D

  52. Welcome to WordPress, Cat.

  53. That really was a wonderful game.

    WordPress rules so much harder than Blogger, man.

  54. It’s the proper formatting that gets me points, I like it ;) But you’re right, Mags, with yours it’s hard to get off the dirty track.

    I need to switch off of Blogger ASAP. I’m just too lazy.

    (Psst, hi Patty! :P)

  55. Don’cha just love Hagman? Cuz I do.

  56. Me too, man. And Morrow. And Robi. And everyone.

  57. Hi, CC! Were you watching the game, just because of Jeffy-poo?

    (And then falling in love with all the other players, too?) ;P

  58. And everyone.

    SO much.

  59. :)

  60. One of my friends just pointed out that perhaps Razor meant “meat-clacker” like, meat tenderizer? As in, Ott beats the shit out of people a lot? The “masticating” part confuses us though.

  61. I don’t think it means what he thinks it means. :D

  62. Gah, I walked away for too long :P

    Yes, Patty, I was watching because of Jeffy Poo – I love a lot of your guys, though! I’ve always been a Turco fan, a Morrow fan, a Modano fan…the rest are falling into place, though, trust me. I’ve always thought you guys have a fun team ;)

  63. game was so awesome.
    holy shit.

  64. I realize that B.J. Crombeen is playing again today, which means that Winchester is scratched. I can only imagine that Jen must be quite upset at this turn of events.

    Well I got to see Winchester today so it wasn’t so bad.

  65. I love a lot of your guys, though!

    We can be your WC team!

  66. I’m so jealous, Jen. I almost went to today’s game. Shoot!

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