I tune into FSN Southwest as soon as I get bored with the Bruins/Rangers game on NBC, which is immediately after the horn sounds for the end fo the game. Those are two teams I can’t care about when I haven’t eaten lunch yet.
DFW Sports Beat is on. They’re still talking about the Cowboys. Troy Aikman has opened a recreation area at Cook Children’s Hospital, along with Garth Brooks. They show some footage of Troy Aikman playing Guitar Hero – he’s not that good.
Someone please let me know what is up with this music. It’s, I’m assuming, a local band, playing a jaunty tune and singing lyrics like “just kick back, relax and watch sports beeeeeeeaaaaaaat”. Also, where’s my Stars pre-game show? Cowboys season is OVER. You know what ISN’T over? Hockey season. You know how I know? BECAUSE THE GAME STARTS IN 26 MINUTES. I hate you sometimes, FSN.
Jason Garrett is staying? I thought he was going to Atlanta. I haven’t been keeping up. Apparently, Jerry Jones talked him into staying. The host of DFW Sports Beat says he saw a prepared quarterback in Tony Romo, but he has not seen Romo being the fun-loving guy who was upbeat in the locker room. I stop listening, because they’re still talking about football and not about hockey.
OH! HOCKEY! Oh, wait, it was just some kids playing NHL 08 on XBox with Garth Brooks. Damn it.
College basketball. Yawn. Give me college hockey. In fact, I’m still bitter that I don’t get FSCA or whatever the channel is that was playing the Minnesota/Minnesota-Duluth game on Friday night. I did watch the St. Lawrence/Dartmouth game last week. Good game.
Oh, finally, it’s 2:27 and the game starts in mere minutes. Now where is my pizza? I definitely did order Papa John’s Pizza. MARTY, GIMME MY GARLIC SAUCE.
Razor is looking sharp, in a grey suit and it looks like a maroon tie. There may be a design on it, but he won’t move his microphone so I can see. Ralph is in a brown suit, blue shirt and dark blue (?) tie. I think Razor might win today. They start talking about Niedermayer. SHUT. UP. Then they talk about Corey Perry, and then Todd Bertuzzi. I hate everything.
It looks like Matt Niskanen did NOT bump fists with the Youth Starter of the Game. I call him a dick, and then rewind to make sure. It was just that Mattias Norstrom’s large caboose blocked my view. I hate it when that happens. It’s like yesterday, when I was watching the game, there was a point where they showed Happy Meals on the bench, and one of the coaches stood and blocked his pretty face from the camera. Why do you people DO this to me? I suppose it could be worse – it could be Russian, using Mo’s large teeth…Erm…Head…To block the camera.
Marty Turco is in net today. Go Marty! Make sure my pizza gets here now, please! Giguere is over on the other end. We start with the Peanut Butter Cup line of Morrow, Ribeiro, and Miettinen. Nicklas Grossman and Stephane Robidas start on defense.
Ralph points out that this game is VERY!IMPORTANT! because the Stars and the Ducks are separated by only one point. WE KNOW. He also points out that Happy Meals is paired with Norstrom due to the lack of Russian.
UGH CHRIS PRONGER OFF MY SCREEN NOW.
18:27 Eriksson is playing so well lately. He almost makes it 1-0 Stars, just a minute and a half in!! Too bad Giguere pulls it in.
18:05 Razor reports that Bertuzzi and Ott are having words – Bertuzzi apparently ripped Ott’s helmet off or something. KICK HIS ASS, OTTER! KICK HIS ASS!
17:14 I realize that B.J. Crombeen is playing again today, which means that Winchester is scratched. I can only imagine that Jen must be quite upset at this turn of events.
16:10 Some fucker crashes Niskanen into the boards. I WILL STAB YOU. I also realize that whenever Ralph says “Pronger” or “Niedermayer”, I clench my jaw.
HEY! WHY ARE YOU HITTING BRENDEN MORROW? HE’LL MORROWNATE YOU! STOP IT! EVERYONE gets in on it. Steve Ott is on the bench talking shit – is anyone surprised at that? I can actually hear players shouting pretty clearly, but can’t pick out any of the words because I’m typing and all. Razor calls it “verbal diarrhea”. Naturally, we get some penalties out of that – the Stars get the short hand. Ducks power play, damn it.
14:29 Turco stops a shot from Getzlaf! And, of course, there’s more shit going down. The second I see Norstrom in the middle of it, I keep an eye out for Happy Meals – I don’t want anyone messing with his pretty little face. He stays out of it, though – must be taking lessons from Russian. Also, my pizza just got here! Yay! On the bright side, the Ducks get a penalty, which means in less than a minute the Stars will be on the powerplay.
12:27 Stars can’t capitalize on the power play. Damn it, guys.
11:43 Crombeen takes a really good shot, but Giguere stops it. STUPID GIGUERE.
A Toyota commercial informs me that “Cowboy Toyota” is the “Fasted Growing Toyota Dealer” or something. Fasted? Really?
RAZOR. I don’t want to hear you talk about fiveholes that look inviting. Please stop.
11:32 ANOTHER penalty! Bertuzzi gets a double minor! High sticking and unsportsmanlike conduct (that’s what happens when you mouth off and you’re ugly. I’d put Bertuzzi in the box for being fugly, yeah). That’s right, fucker, get in the box.
10:32 I SCREAM AS LOUD AS I CAN! ROBIDAS SCORES! ROBI ROBI ROBI ROBI! I LOVE YOU ROBI! I bet Caitlin and Jen are screaming so loud for Robi right now!!! ROBIIIIIIIIIIIIII! Robi looks so happy! 1-0 Stars!
Barchie and Crombeen try for the wraparound, but Giguere isn’t fooled. And then some of those fucking Ducks come up and push Crombeen, who pushes back, and then Barchie comes up and there’s more pushing. Sometimes that’s just what Barchie is there for. Pushing and starting shit. Random fact – he is the leader among all Iowa Stars ever in penalty minutes, at 129.
7:38 Crombeen has had some GOOD scoring chances, but Giguere is denying him. DAMN it, Giguere. All up in the way of my players scoring.
6:32 The Stars have learned from yesterday, apparently, because they lead in shots on goal, 8-4. Keep it up, boys.
I forgot to mention that Hockey Referee Robot is at this game. You can tell because you hear a nasal, high-pitched, monotone voice calling the penalties. I love it.
4:33 Morrownator goes to the box for hooking. Oh, BRENDEN. GOD, Razor just said “Niedermayer” and “Lidstrom” in the same sentence. I HATE you.
3:36 Pronger and Niedermayer (I don’t care which one) are the point men on their powerplay. It’s like my worst nightmare.
2:50 Ott hilariously raises his arm in a “God DAMN it” motion when he fails to get the puck from one of the Ducks. About ten seconds later, Morrow gets an awesome pass from Modano, who knew that Morrow would be stepping out of the box, and Morrow gets a breakaway that Giguere saves. Have I mentioned that I really hate Giguere sometimes? The Stars once again brought out their awesome penalty kill.
0:50 Robidas sends an awesome pass up to Miettinen, but someone blocks it. Guess who? Pronger. I hate him.
At the horn, someone crashes into Norstrom (I think) and the other players all come up to defend. Niskanen skates up and sort of stands there, in case he has to do something, I guess. He doesn’t fight. I would love to see him fight, but at the same time, I don’t want to run the risk of someone hurting his pretty face.
1-0 Stars at the end of the first, thanks to (SQUEAL) Stephane Robidas!!
Mike Modano is the interviewee at the first intermission. He needs a haircut. Also, turns out that Razor’s tie has a pink stripe or something on it. It’s…Interesting, but it looks okay, actually. I laugh as the Chili’s blimp floats down behind Razor, and then I start to crave Chili’s a little bit. As soon as this interview is over, I’m going to get a plate with some pizza, because I haven’t even started to eat yet. Razor calls Mike Modano a Mensa guy in the hockey department. Okay, Razor, that’s cool.
We get a spot about Getzlaf and the Cup. I swear that the guy says he goes home to “Vagina, Saskatchewan”, but then I realize he said “Regina”. Turns out that Getzlaf wanted to be a goalie as a child. Okay, so maybe he’s an all right guy. But still, he’s a Duck, and that’s just not cool.
19:27 Perry hits Robidas, because he’s jealous that he’s not as awesome. After the whistle, Otter and Beauchemin talk some more shit. When Otter goes to the bench, Smitty is smiling as he says something to him, and it’s awesome.
17:10 Crombeen tries again! Giguere, just get out of the fucking way so the guy can get his first NHL career goal, would you?
16:20 Ralph and Razor start talking about “the Ice Girl door”, which is also where the opposing team goes in and out. They go on for at least half a minute about calling it the Ice Girl door.
Miettinen gets in a good shot, but the camera follows Steve Ott to the bench, and this time I notice that Smitty is in desperate need of a haircut. His hair is reaching Andy Samberg jew-fro levels.
13:36 Robidas gets flattened and OMG ROBI ARE YOU HURT?!?!?!?! ROBIDAS! PLEASE BE OKAY! OH MY GOD ROBI. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. Right now in American Airlines Center, Caitlin and Jen are screaming and trying to jump over to glass to physically assault the guy who hit Robi. I’d be right there with them, for real. NO TOUCH ROBI!
When we come back from commercial, Robidas is okay, sitting on the bench with some smelling salts. Good. You’d better be okay, Robi, because 3 rookie defensemen is enough.
13:00 A shot from the Ducks hits Fistric in the knee, and he heads into the tunnel to check on it. Oh my God, I don’t like it when there are potential injuries.
12:10 Another skirmish, this time involving Hagman. I do notice Happy Meals in there, but he doesn’t get hit, so I’m not screaming too loud yet.
11:04 Marty leaves his net to play the puck, and VERY swiftly smacks it down the boards and gets back into his net. Show ’em how it’s done, Marty.
The Stars get a too-many-men on the ice penalty. That is my least favorite penalty ever.
“Masticating meat-clacker”? Razor just used those words to describe Steve Ott. Either meat clacker or meat packer. Either way, I don’t know what that means.
The Stars successfully kill off their penalty. Go Stars!
6:30 Someone slams Niskanen into the boards. I heard the boards shake. Don’t hit him like that, please.
5:59 Anaheim goes on the power play AGAIN, when poor Finnja Mittens goes into the box for slashing. It’s okay, Mittens! You saw Caitlin and Jen’s sign! We love you! No need to look so angry in the box. Angry!Mittens is kind of hot.
4:59 The net is dislodged, and Daley and Bertuzzi hilariously just sit there for awhile. It’s awesome. Also, Grossman is awesome.
4:35 Bochenski looks like a bird. An ugly bird.
The Stars have now killed off 4 of 4 penalties today. Anyone surprised?
2:59 Don’t hit Halpern like that. That’s a hate crime!
An extended shot of the Anaheim bench tells me that the Ducks are not the most attractive NHL team. Razor then tells me that Fistric has not been back since taking that shot to the knee.
The Ducks have their dads with them on this trip? What?
1:14 Why is the Power Play Contestant NEVER ME? I want glass seats!
The horn sounds, and the score is still 1-0 Stars at the end of the second. The game summary says that the Stars lead in shots on goal, 12-8.
12:50 My dad called me at the beginning of the third, so I’ve been on the phone. I did see Morrow’s goal, though, so yay, 2-0 Stars!
Halpern goes to the box for goaltender interference. It’s okay Halpie. We forgive you.
12:01 HAGMAN WITH A SHORT-HANDED GOAL!! Oh, Hagman! Thanks! 3-0 Stars!
11:15 Some Duck ruins Marty’s shutout. Damn you!! I’m still only half-paying attention, since I’m still on the phone, and therefore only sort of listening to Ralph and Razor. 3-1 Stars.
11:02 HOLY SHIT MAN. Morrow scores to make it 4-1 Stars!
Turco makes a pretty save on a shot from Bochenski. I love watching Turco, he’s so fast. Razor says that Turco almost had his fanny on the goal line. I haven’t heard someone refer to an ass as a fanny in a long time.
6:50 Getzlaf scores. 4-2 Stars. DAMN IT, DUCKS.
2:30 The Ducks pull their goalie to try and get the last two goals they’ll need to send this game to overtime. Turco looks determined. I’m still on the phone.
2:09 Hagman gets an empty netter!! This is a new career high for him – 18th goal of the season!
Stars win this one, 5-2. This means that the Stars are now first in the Pacific Division! ILU so hard, Stars.