The pre-game show opens with Ric Renner, looking horrifying in his camel-skin suit and 10-foot high hair. He talks a bit about Dave Tippett and his contract extension. Brenden Morrow says it’s a good move. Tippett is a player’s coach. Matt Niskanen has a lot of respect for him, which, you’d better, youngster. Mike Modano says it’s a good thing.
Ric Renner introduces Mike Heika and John Rhadigan. Rhadiganosaurus looks tweedy. Caitlin says he looks like he picked up his suit and tie at a thrift store, which obviously there’s normally nothing wrong with, but man. This looks BAD, y’all.
They talk a bit about the 8-3 win over the Wild. Mike Ribeiro says a lot of guys were on the scoresheet, he was happy with the win. Niklas Hagman is also happy with the win, important to get points, etc.
Rhadiganosaurus introduces Razor, who looks like he might lose the tie battle tonight. Rhadigan, Razor, and Heika all talk some crap about the fans and the amount of people at games, etc. The Stars are wearing their road whites tonight, but whatever. That’s cool.
After the commercial break, they show how they switched from the basketball court to the hockey rink today. Whatever, I really could care less about the Mavericks right now. The big question is, is it going to make any difference to the ice?
Mike Smith says it’s tough, and is sporting some facial hair that makes him look like a cast member of Dazed and Confused. Brenden says that they’ve played on bad ice before. Stephane Robidas doesn’t like chippy ice, and is really adorable. I love you so much Robi.
Timm Matthews is standing by with Rick Wilson, who talks a little more about the contract extension, etc. Caitlin is happy because Rick Wilson takes care of Russian. Speaking of Russian, they show Russian at practice, and he obviously does not know there is a camera there, because he’s not running away. Wilson then talks about the young guys on the team, which includes my dearest darlingest Happy Meals. Aww, Happy Meals.
Apparently, since the Stars inception, they’ve faced the Blues more than any other team. FASCINATING. Timm Matthews is standing by with Dave Tippett.
“His face kind of reminds me of a Mr. Potato-Head. They’re kind of the same, because their upper lips don’t move.” Caitlin says. I nearly choke on a pretzel. They show a close-up of Marty Turco’s goalie pads, which are blindingly bright gold. Matthews continues to talk about how the team is winning, which, STOP TALKING ABOUT IT, just let it happen, please. They then ask TIPPETT about the ice thing. He says the “ice people” do a great job. Good job, Tipp. Don’t piss them off.
Heika talks about Mike Smith and how he’s an “athletic” goalie. I would hope that all goalies are athletic. You don’t exactly want a NON-athletic goalie in net, do you? Whatever. Speaking of Mike Smith, he’s wearing his Christmas goalie mask, which apparently has the Grinch on it. They’re going to auction it off or something like that. I want it, just so we all know.
RIBBONS HAS A REAL MOHAWK. RIBBONS, YOU HOT LIKE HANSEL, OKAI.
19:48 We realize that the Blues are playing their only Finn, goalie Hannu Toivonen. Caitlin: “Maybe that’s why they can’t score, they don’t have any Finns!”
18:38 Smith moves quite slowly when he’s out of the net. Caitlin: “He’s like an Ent, from Lord of the Rings.” Cat: “Large and slow and tree-like. His hair could be comparable to branches and leaves, if he doesn’t cut it soon.”
16:52 NO TOUCH ROBI! DON’T TOUCH ROBI! Lundqvist hits a guy really hard. He’s a pretty rad player.
15:13 Caitlin and I agree that the Blues have pretty nice jerseys. We’ve seen worse.
13:53 There’s a penalty against the Blues. Paul Kariya hit Nicklas Grossman so hard that it broke his stick. UNcool. But this puts the Stars on the job, and I like that. The powerplay starts with Morrow, Ribeiro, Miettinen, Zubov, and Modano on the ice.
11:46 WHEEEEEEEE!!! Hagman scores! Razor calls it a “Finn-on-Finn crime”. This makes Caitlin and I squeal.
10:59 WHEEEEEE! Stu Barnes scores, and it’s AWESOME. I love it when Stu scores, because you can hear everyone in the AAC go “STUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU”.
10:23 DON’T HIT BRENDEN MORROW. HE WILL MORROWNATE YOU, OKAI. By the way, Mark Fistric is really impressive playing with Trevor Daley.
7:31 Stephane Robidas shoots! Sadly, he does not score. Caitlin and I want a Robi goal so bad.
6:45 Right after I say “Wow, the Stars are kind of dominating this one”, the Blues score. That was something that the Blues needed to rejuvenate themselves, that the Stars should not have given them.
4:41 Stars penalty. Stephane Robidas, interference. Ralphie and Razor mention that the Stars have an awesome penalty kill. Sometimes I wish they wouldn’t say stuff like that.
2:41 The penalty ends without incident. Thanks, Stars!!
0:00 Robidas looks seriously hurt. He’s writhing in pain on the bench, and Caitlin goes OFF on Fistric for not showing much in the way of concern. Marty Turco, who is obviously on the bench tonight since Smith is playing, shows plenty of concern, which only reinforces my “Marty is like the team dad” theory.
20:00 Looks like Robi is back. ROBI! ROBI! GOOD!
18:30 Ralph and Razor talk about Robi’s son, and how Robi took him to the rink, and the kid was wearing a Sidney Crosby jersey. HIS OWN SON DOESN’T WEAR HIS JERSEY. I LOVE YOU ROBI.
16:16 The whistle blows for a delayed penalty, a hooking call on Eric Brewer. The power play contestant is not any of the Untypical Girls, so, whatever.
14:00 The penalty ends, with the Blues’ Finn stopping shots. You awesome cause you Finnish, but not as awesome as our Finns.
12:05 Otter hits someone real hard, and everyone cheers. A few seconds later, Christian Backman trips Otter and holds him down, getting the whistle. Two minutes, tripping. I give him an extra five in my mind, for being a jerk.
9:42 The Stars spend about a minute and a half passing the puck before Happy Meals finally shoots it. God, guys. The Stars are 0-3 on the powerplay tonight.
8:28 The funniest thing ever happens on the way to commercial. Russian is on the bench, and notices the camera on him. He sighs, and shakes his head. Caitlin and I rewind it at least 3 times.
7:30 (or so) OH MY GOD, BLOW THE FUCKING WHISTLE ALREADY. Smith reaches for the puck and grabs it, but everyone is around him trying for it. Seriously, it takes a good 5 seconds for them to blow the whistle. STOP HITTING SMITTY.
5:20 The whistle is blown for a penalty against the Stars. Two minutes to Trevor Daley, for holding. If it were Mick McGeough, we’d say “Two minutes to Trevor Daley, for being black”. It’s kind of a joke, but not really. We hate Mick McGeough.
4:22 Two penalties called at once. Brenden Morrow, hooking, Paul Kariya, holding the stick. Both Morrow and Kariya look upset.
0:00 Mike Smith’s holiday mask has the Grinch on it. It also has the logos for all the Pacific Division rivals. WTF. It’s ALSO going to get autographed by Jim Carrey. I’m not joking. I can’t make this stuff up.
20:00 They start out talking about the ice thing more. Trans-Siberian Orchestra played last night, and then the Mavericks this afternoon, and the Stars now. Obviously the Stars are most important.
19:14 The Blues coach is FURIOUS about the lack of call on Robidas for hitting some dude who I’m too lazy to look up. Whatever, Robi gets hit a lot. It’s his turn to hit back.
16:11 Paul Kariya looks like a sleazebag in his roster photo. Also, he seems like a whiny little bitch.
15:59 WHEEEEEEE!! Halpern to Modano, Modano shoots and scores! Thank you, Mojangles!! Also, I love it when Modano smiles. Aww!
14:24 The opposing goal-scoring music really upsets me. Paul Kariya answers Mike Modano’s goal. Go away. 3-2 Dallas.
12:34 Razor says something about pulling down the pants and spanking it. WHAT THE HELL, RAZOR? Caitlin cannot believe that he said something so x-rated. Jeez, Razor, think of the children. The second we come back from commercial, we see Otter on the bench, adjusting himself. Oh, Otter.
12:28 Another Stars powerplay! Let’s try to capitalize on this one, boys.
10:36 Caitlin gasps when someone pushes Russian to the ground. DON’T TOUCH RUSSIAN LIKE THAT.
10:02 Stars turn the puck over! No! Smith is there to stop it. Thank you, Smitty.
9:29 Kariya scores AGAIN to tie it up at 3. I really am not liking this, not even a little bit.
6:05 According to Ralphie, Hagman looks possessed. I agree, actually. At some point in almost every game, he starts playing SO HARD that it’s just inSANE.
5:01 WHEEEEEEEE!!! Ribeiro scores to give the Stars a 4-3 lead! Razor says something about the Palmolive hands of Mike Ribeiro. Just say “soft hands” like everyone else, Razor.
1:44 WOW. WOWWWWW. Happy Meals gets pissed off at some Blues player, and hits him. And then it turns into this all-out brawl! Niskanen looks really upset in the penalty box, probably because he just got the SHIT beat out of him.
0:10 THE BLUES TIE IT AT 4. Going to overtime, y’all.
5:00 I really don’t want the Stars to lose.
2:30 Still scoreless halfway through overtime.
1:45 Ribeiro trips a guy, and obviously thinks he’s going to get a penalty for for it. The referee? DIDN’T CALL IT. Thanks, ref!
0:55 One of the Blues ALMOST scores, but Smith stops it! He falls, and Mittens JUMPS OVER HIM. ACROBATIC MITTENS!
0:00 Literally RIGHT AFTER the horn sounds, Morrow puts it in. No matter, still going to shootout.
Mike Ribeiro came in on an angle, and went back and forth…Tried to shoot it, but he was too deep.
Brad Boyes comes in, but shoots it wide.
Sergei Zubov skates hard and fast, but Toivonen was with him the whole time. No goal.
Paul Kariya shoots! Smith makes a glove save and falls on his stomach and is totally still for a few seconds before tossing the puck aside. It is awesome.
Mike Modano is up next. Caitlin says “Oh, Mo kind of sucks sometimes in the shootout”. And then, Modano scores! I tell Caitlin to say that when Mo is up in the shootout every time.
Lee Stempniak shoots and hits the post!! The Stars win the game, 5-4! Yay! Postgame comes up next.
3. Jeff Halpern
2. Mike Ribeiro
1. Paul Kariya
Razor brings up the fact that Smith is 100% in the shootout. He has not allowed a single goal.
I always get really excited during postgame. It’s always like “WHO ARE THEY GONNA INTERVIEW? OMG I WANT TO HEAR! AM I GOING TO GET TO SEE THE WHITEBOARD IN THE LOCKER ROOM?!”
Ric Renner sucks so hard. I hate his hair. I hate his clothes. I hate his voice. I hate you Ric Renner. He also can’t say “Kariya” correctly, and Jenlo messages me about it. I was thinking the same thing, god, SO ANNOYING. STFU RIC RENNER.
Razor and Rhadiganosaurus talk about Jussi and his injury. PLEASE DON’T BE SERIOUSLY HURT, JUICY.
Timm Matthews is in the locker room, interviewing Ribbons. Ribbons is wearing a black backwards baseball cap. Caitlin points out that you can see their jockstraps hanging in their stalls. Now I will not notice anything else. Anyway, interview. Ribbons has a nice accent. He admits that it wasn’t their best game overall, but they pulled the win.
Tippett informs us that Jussi will be evaluated tomorrow. He left early in the first period with a leg injury. PLEASE BE OKAY, JUSSI.
Timm Matthews interviews a shirtless Mike Smith. Caitlin and I get a little faint. Holy shit, you guys. More hockey players need to do interviews when they’re shirtless. Like….Really. Wow. I’m not even listening to a word he’s saying.
Then they start talking about Russian, and you know Caitlin was all “OMGOMGOMG”. They interview Stu, and then Matthews says something about “a win they didn’t quite deserve”. How can you say that shit in the middle of the locker room?
I’m still all flustered from shirtless Mike Smith (in case you were wondering, he’s a little skinny, but very nicely built). But here’s your game diary. Perhaps I’ll take some photos of shirtless Mike Smith interview, so you guys don’t have to miss out.