I know, I know. It’s sad that it can’t be face to face. Of course, Untypical Girl Caitlin does have that pesky 45 foot rule that she refuses to violate, and I know you’re incredibly disappointed about that. Broken-hearted, even.
But it’s time to sit down and talk a little. Through this up and down season, you’ve remained a constant back there on the blue line, being your hardcore Russian self. Dekeing, faking, giving other people sweet passes that make Caitlin go, “Did you see that?” Which makes Jenlo and Cat go, “Yes, yes, we saw it. We know. RUSSIAN.”
I don’t know what they taught you in Moscow. I don’t know what they did to you in CSKA to make you the hardcore hockey player of awesome that you are and have been for many, many years, but you just need to sit back and accept the love and stop looking so furious about it all the time. When you came over from Russia, you brought, in the words of Alex Ovechkin, “a wagon and a carriage full of power”. Whatever that means. I’m sure it means something awesome to all people from the Motherland.
The Havoc Fanatics now have your other nickname, Zubie, as a sign for when you score goals, and even a nice Russian flag to wave for you (in addition to Finnish and Swedish flags). Mike Heika wrote an article for the Dallas Morning News today about how rad you are.
As evidenced on this blog, others out there too share in the love for your insanely remarkable playing abilities and general hardcore awesomeness. You got four assists in the Avalanche game and showed an uncharacteristic side of yourself wherein you actually celebrated (on your own, no less) your assist. (I know because I made Cat rewind it just to verify that it actually happened.)
You’re now at 599 assists.
Soon, you will be at 600 assists.
I know you care nothing for goals or assists, only your team winning, but there’s only so long you can be this rockin’ and not have anyone notice, Russian. While I can tell it infuriates you to have the camera on you, there’s only so long you can use Mo’s large head to obstruct the camera’s view of you, skate and turn quickly to avoid being followed by a camera, or use various posts, sticks and shift changes to avoid the camera.
It’s time to resign yourself to fate. A lot of people out there want you to be an All-Star. They want you to win the Norris Trophy this year. They want all the best for you! We’ve had many great years of hockey in part because of you, and while you want none of the credit, we want other people to recognize it, too.
In other words, Russian, this too shall pass. You will continue working hard and doing the awesome things that you do, and this year, you’ll just have some more attention on you, that’s all.
It makes you unhappy at times, but it makes one insignificant Untypical Girl very happy to see you get the respect and recognition you’ve always deserved.
Cheer up, Russian. There’s always next year to toil in obscurity!