Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Lend Me Your Ears – It’s Trade Deadline Day!

All right, people, it’s officially trade deadline day. Let’s see what’s going down.

12:46am CST All right, before February 26th even officially started, we heard about the signing of Dan Boyle (six years, $40 million). Also included in that was a trade that send Vaclav Prospal to the Flyers. The Lightning got Alexandre Picard and a conditional draft pick in return. I’m mostly jealous that the Lightning now have a guy with the same name as the captain of the Starship Enterprise.

RED ALERT! RED ALERT! I’ve been linked to this! I have no words for it, but I don’t think it’s “official” yet, we’ll have to wait until real morning for that. Basically, it’s Jeff Halpern, Mike Smith, and Mark Fistric to the Lightning, all for Brad Richards. If you’ll pardon me, I’m going to first cry, then throw things, and then cast some sort of voodoo spell on HullJack. This is not okay.

3:01am CST Yes, I’m still awake. I had to take a couple of hours to process that possibly-true information, and take out some stress by playing Guitar Hero and winning American Idol Encore (I AM your new American Idol, bitches). I made a comment over at Patty’s blog about this, so I’ll say it here too: let’s say this is true, and Smitty/Jew/Fishsticks have all been traded for this one Brad Richards fellow that I will never like just because of the cost. What happens if Marty gets injured just before playoffs? I love Tobias Stephan and he was great in his one game with the Stars, but for Christ’s sake. I’m so mad.

That said, I did just find out that Johan Hedberg may be available for trade. It’s entirely possible that HullJack are going to make another trade for him. What do you think? Winchester? Lundqvist? Another draft pick? Why don’t we throw Mike Modano in there?

I’m being dramatic, but I can’t help it – I’m upset. I’m going to go to bed. I’ll be back in five or six hours to continue this amazingly depressing coverage.

9:05am CST I turn on the TradeCentre ’08 show, and the first thing I see? “Brad Richards has not been made an offer”. I had that heart attack last night for nothing? Fine. FINE. They do put Mike Smith at #6 in their top ten people to be traded today. I need to brush my teeth and then begin stuffing my face, as I’ll probably do all day today. Stress eating.

This day is going to be nuts.

9:28am CST Fantasy trades! I’ll play along.

Lidstrom or Pronger? I hate both, but I hate Pronger more. So I’ll have to pick Lidstrom. Mike Green or Duncan Keith? I’ll pick Duncan Keith – his speed is enough for me. Jason Spezza or Joe Thornton? Jason Spezza, no doubt. Joe Thornton is a great player and all, but I’m pickin’ Spezza. Iginla or Lecavalier? Iginla Iginla Iginla forever. Lundqvist or Turco? WHAT THE HELL KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT OBVIOUSLY TURCO. Also, Barnaby needs to STFU about Mike Smith being expendable. Doan or Morrow? Obvs Brenden Morrow. Morrow is one hardcore Morrownator. Eric Staal or Anze Kopitar? I’m picking Kopitar. Carcillo or Clarkson? CLARKSONNNNN. Gaborik or Mike Richards? Gaborik, because his last name is not Richards, which is one name I hate right now.

9:38am CST First trade of the day! Defenseman Bryce Salvador of the Blues goes to the New Jersey Devils for Cam Janssen.

9:41am CST The Blue Jackets are apparently trying to sweeten up their offer for Brad Richards. PLEASE DO, GUYS, I’m not ready to part with anyone yet.

9:45am CST TradeCentre gives Cam Janssen a call, and he’s quite adorable. “According to my mom and dad, it WAS a blockbuster trade.” Aww, I kind of love him a little. I do not, however, love the TSN guys. “Ott thinks he’s the new Sean Avery, he thinks he’s a better player.” SHUT UP. OTT IS AWESOME AND I WILL HEAR NOTHING OF SEAN AVERY COMPARISONS.

10:16am CST We’ve got another deal. The Florida Panthers have acquired Wade Belak from the Toronto Maple Leafs for a 5th round pick. That is so not fascinating, I can’t even explain.

10:26am CST Finally, a deal I care more about! TSN is reporting that Brian Campbell is heading to San Jose, which, according to the TSN people, puts San Jose right on top of the Cup race. Um…WHAT? I’ll let you know what Buffalo is getting back as soon as I hear.

10:35am CST The San Jose Sharks gave Buffalo Steve Bernier and a first round pick for Soupy. Meanwhile, I’m sitting here drinking my first Red Bull and smoking my first cigarette of the day. I have seven more Red Bulls and two and a half more packs of cigarettes, not to mention a box of Kleenex. I am 100% sure I’ll need them all.

10:39am CST What? There’s a rumor about Nikolai Khabibulin going to Ottawa for…Ray Emery?!

10:41am CST My streaming video keeps fucking up (INTERNETS, DO NOT FAIL ME NOW), but apparently the Lightning and Stars have reached agreed to a deal, pending Richards’ approval. DO NOT WANT. I will never be able to like Brad Richards.

10:46am CST I’m going to spend the rest of the day crying. Brad Richards and some other fucker for Mike Smith, Jussi Jokinen, and Jeff Halpern.

10:59am CST I’ll pause from my crying to tell you that Montreal has traded Cristobal Huet to the Washington Capitals for a 2nd round pick.

11:10am CST My dad tried to calm me down, and it was cute that he actually knew stuff. He’s not really a hockey fan, so the fact that he said “Mike Smith? Isn’t he a good goalie? And Jussi Jokinen is good in the shootout, but he hasn’t been so great in regulation…And that Halpern guy, wasn’t he good too?” made me really happy – he learned stuff, just because his daughter loves hockey. Aww, Daddy.

Now that I’ve had time to think about it, I still hate the deal. Brad Richards and Johan Holmqvist for Mike Smith, Jussi Jokinen, and Jeff Halpern. I admit to being glad that at least we got a goaltender back, but Holmqvist? Srsly? I hate you, Brett Hull (I know Les Jackson is also GM, but it’s easier to blame Brett Hull). I’m over at IPB today, with all the other people who are putting their lives on hold for trade deadline, you should join us.

11:20am CST They’re interviewing Brad Richards on TradeCentre, and I couldn’t hate him more. “They have a chance to win now”, I hope that doesn’t mean that he thinks the Stars have a chance to win now that he plays for us. I’m sure it doesn’t, but I’m going to take it that way, because I hate him. I hate you, Brad Richards. I hate you so much. If you lead this team to the Stanley Cup, I will merely dislike you, instead of hate.

God, knowing that Mike, Jussi, and Jeff are all packing their bags to get on a plane to go to fucking FLORIDA makes me really, really upset.

Brad Richards says that the Stars have two good lines, no matter what. My streaming video feed cuts out. See, even God thinks Brad Richards sucks.

11:24am CST I’ll make some effort to keep you guys updated. The Carolina Hurricanes have acquired Tuomo Ruutu from the Chicago Blackhawks for Andrew Ladd; the Colorado Avalanche received Ruslan Salei for Karlis Skrastins and a third-round pick from the Florida Panthers.

In my head, there is a scenario of the Stars saying goodbye to Mike, Jussi, and Jeff. It involves tears and cake, much like my own personal scenario will involve later tonight.

11:33am CST OH GOD, TSN IS GOING TO INTERVIEW MIKE SMITH. They’re having technical difficulties.

He said it really hits home when he saw some of the guys that he hangs out with…I’m crying again now. He has mixed feelings – he doesn’t want to go to a team that isn’t in the running for the Cup (lol), but he’s excited to start playing more. Mike definitely doesn’t sound quite as…Chirpy as he usually does. GOD, I MISS YOU SO MUCH ALREADY.

11:40am CST A sixth round pick goes to the Ottawa Senators for Martin Lapointe from the Blackhawks. Meanwhile, I’m still crying.

12:18pm CST I’ve been on the phone with various people informing them of the news (thank god I’ve converted people to hockey fans). The latest is that Sergei Federov has been traded to the Washington Capitals. No word on what the Blue Jackets will get in return.

12:25pm CST The Blue Jackets have also given up Adam Foote, for a conditional first round pick in 2008 or 2009, for the Colorado Avalanche. There’s some other random stuff in there, but I really can’t bring myself to care. Federov was traded for Ted Ruth.

12:37pm CST I’m late with this one. The Islanders gave up a 7th rounder for San Jose defenseman Rob Davison. Also, breaking news – Vancouver forward Matt Cooke goes to the Washington Capitals for…Um…I forgot.

12:55pm CST That Cooke trade was for Matt Pettinger. alix over at IPB asks, “Who the hell is Matt Pettinger?”, to which andrew responds “a filled roster spot”.

1:10pm CST Only 50 more minutes of this horrific anticipation. After that insane Brad Richards deal, I’m sure the Stars are done, but that idiot Brett Hull could always surprise me. I hate you so much right now, Brett. Even if you sang “Copacabana” with me, it wouldn’t cheer me up.

1:27pm CST 33 minutes and counting. Tracey Myers, why do you like to make me cry again? I’m so sad right now.

1:34pm CST I hate trade deadline day. I don’t like seeing hockey players all sad and shocked about being traded. The second video comes up of Mike Smith being interviewed about all of this (perhaps during Stars Insider or during the game tonight), I am going to need to have the tissues ready again.

26 minutes left, and Hossa hasn’t been traded yet. Rumor has it he’s going to the Penguins? Whatever.

1:55pm CST Five minutes until the pencils have to put down and the phones have to be hung up. Hal Gill has left the Penguins for a 2nd and a 5th to the Leafs. Time’s running out.

1:59pm CST BIG FUCKING BREAKING NEWS YOU GUYS. Hossa has gone to the PITTSBURGH PENGUINS. For Colby Armstrong, Erik Christensen, and Angelo Esposito. Finally, the news everyone’s been waiting for all day long.

2:05pm CST If you ask me, the Thrashers got off WAY BETTER than the Pens. Hossa is essentially a rental player, and the Pens gave up some good players for him. By the way, Christian Backman got traded to the Rangers from the Blues, for a 4th round pick.

2:13pm CST My streaming SportsCentre video isn’t working anymore, so I’m relying on the interwebs for info. Vinny at IPB says that goon Chris Simon from the Islanders will be going to the Minnesota Wild for a 6th rounder. Also, the LA Kings trade Brad Stuart to Detroit for 2nd and 4th rounders. Oh, and Pascal DuPuis will head to Pittsburgh with Hossa.

2:18pm CST Those last-minute deals are coming in now. The Maple Leafs trade Chad Kilger to the Florida Panthers for a 3rd round pick. Sjostorm, Leneveu (?), and Josh Grattan from the Phoenix Coyotes head to the New York Rangers for Al Montoya and Marcel Hossa. Marc-Andre Bergeron from the Islanders for a 3rd round pick from the Ducks. Please don’t let there be another Stars deal in these last-minute ones. I hate the suspense.

2:32pm CST Here’s another one – JS Aubin (“Your momma’s so ugly, a plastic surgeon sued HER!”) leaves the Kings for a 7th round pick from the Ducks. At least he doesn’t have far to travel. Also, Olli Jokinen won’t end up going anywhere. There was something else I wanted to say, but I forgot. Also, this post is up to over 2000 words.

2:36pm CST The Buffalo Sabres are done, along with the New York Islanders. I will not rest until I hear that the Dallas Stars are done. The Washington Capitals and Atlanta Thrashers make a trade, but I don’t remember who.

2:57pm CST Now that it’s nearing an hour after the deadline, I’m beginning to be able to breathe a little that the Stars are done. Who knows, though, there might be a surprise announcement. I’m hoping NO.

3:01pm CST Jenlo informs me of another Tampa Bay trade: Jan Hlavac to the Nashville Predators for a 7th round pick.

3:35pm CST A super late breaker – Brandon Bochenski from the Ducks to…I think they said the Predators.