No, I’m not waiting with bated breath for trade deadline to end.
I mean, I’m ready for it to end. As in, get it over with, people, and let’s move on to bigger and better things…like an in depth investigation of why those Habs players were stealing purses in Florida. Or what kind of hair care products Roberto Luongo uses to maintain that magnificent coiffure he’s got going on.
Yet again, the NHL has taken something potentially awesome like trade deadline and turned it into the biggest snooze-fest around.
I mean, I just quit smoking and trade deadline should make me turn around to the nearest person and say, “Get me a cigarette, serf, for it is approximately 82.5 hours until trade deadline for hockey, and if I don’t have nicotine, I shall rip out your vocal cords and strangle you with them. Don’t you know? Something terrible could happen. Jeremy Roenick could renew his contract! FOR ANOTHER TWO YEARS!”
Instead, I have no wrath during any of this, just an incomprehensible need to make the mainstream media shut up about what exactly is going to happen to Peter Forsberg, Marian Hossa and Mats Sundin. Well, two down, one to go.
It’s sad when we’re all focusing on a Swedish dude whose ankle bones probably look like Swiss cheese. “Where is he going to sign?” people wonder. Does it matter? Are we all so bored that we really care about the “Peter Forsberg Sweepstakes”? Give him two games into the season and he’ll be back on crutches moaning about how how he’s very focused on his rehab and he’ll be back in no time. We should’ve all been asking, “Which team smoked enough pot this morning to actually sign Peter Forsberg and that wonky ankle?” (If you guessed the Colorado Avalanche, then you win a nifty, actually non-existant prize.)
Trade deadline sucks because nothing fascinating is happening with players not on my team. (Hull, Jackson, if you touch Mittens I will write you a very strongly worded letter! Hmph!) I mean, people are getting re-signed. No one’s leaving their teams, except for guys who have practically had signs on their backs saying, “TAKE ME, HIGHEST BIDDER”.
With no-trade clauses and players locking into longer and longer contracts…will we actually see another fascinating trade deadline soon? I think we will. Sadly, it just won’t be this year.
(Also, Jeremy Roenick better not get a contract extension. For the sake of humanity, just retire, JR.)
(P.S.: I’m not dead, guys. It’s good to be back. :) )
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